Several months ago I was just like you. Always wanting to know what my XW was up to. One day I was talking with a friend about her (and what she was doing) when my friend out of the blue said "thats really none of your business". It really ticked me off at the moment, later I thought about what he said and it became clear to me that her "life" really is none of my business. From that point on I made the effort to ignore what was going on in her life.
The fact is their life is none of our business. I believe the sooner you realize this and start actively steering clear of her personal life, the sooner you will start healing. Some things that helped me: 1. Carving out my own life, with my own friends doing the things I love to do. From other posts sounds like you are doing great in the area. 2. Big for me was to resist the temptation to quiz the boys about what was going on, wether it was indirect or not I resisted the urge. 3. Limit contact with her, if you have to see her at dropoffs keep it short. This may seem kinda cold on my part, but I had to do it to protect myself. It got to a point that every glance or smile gave me hope, even when she had a serious relationship with someone else. Dont quiz her, she finds it very annoying. 4. I do not call her, unless its something about the boys. She has called me, sometimes upset about something or "just to talk to me". I try to reassure her, but am quick to get off the phone. This proves the theory, that the less we push the more they are drawn to us, (good or bad) 5. From DR, I tried to stop going down a cheesless tunnel, the cheeseless tunnel was countless hours of worry, frett and thoughts about her, her and him, her new life, her new life w/o me. Time spent going down this road is wasted and brings you down, so dont go there!
Everyone has to find a way to deal with their own situation. Above all I wanted to maintain a civil relationship, mainly for the boys. I believe its very important to them.
Other than her, what do you really want? Start making plans to get what you want, I think you'll find everything else falls in place. Just gotta give it time.
