Good advice to keep a talk like that out of the bedroom. Green I guess I just get so frustrated. Because no matter what time of day I bring it up he refuses to admit he has a problem. Sometimes he will say things that irk him about me. I have listened to what he has said and improved the thinge he was unhappy about. But then I bring up the sex starved marriage and he clams up. I mean he absolutely refuses to address this issue. He would ignore me for hours if I could talk that long on the subject. This always and I mean always infuriates me to no end. I always try to approach the subject with sensitivity and very calmly and nicely. But then he keeps ignoring me even if I ask a question. It's like I am trying to talk with a 6 year old who is giving the silent treatment. So I know right there is where one of my problems is in this marriage. I have so much anger and resentment that I can holdf it in anymore....no matter how hard I try.
I don't think he would go in and get that checked. I have asked him for 4 years to go get his testosterone checked and that has never been done either. I guess the only thing I can do is to play mom and make an appointment for him. But I hate that. I am already a mom to 4 children.
Have you ever told him that his refusing to respond when you want to talk about something that important to you is RUDE? If not, do it...but do it camly.
BELIEVE me I understand your frustration, it's not fun. But you've got to call him out and make him see that there's a consequence for his inaction. He came back under the understanding that you BOTH would be working on your problems right? So tell him if he's not willing to do that then don't let the door hit him on his way out. I know you love him, but you've got to maintain your boundary.
You're going to have to do something to get him to take you seriously. If you let him come back, and don't enforce the conditions of his return....then you are just as much at fault. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.
At the minimum this man has got to start talking to you. Something I did with my H, when he used to refuse to respond is this....I'd tell him that I was going to take his response to mean "he didn't want to work on things", I was going to take it to mean something negative. Afterall, he's not telling me anything different.
Now, he didn't like this (too damned bad). But I explained, I'm not going to assume you do WANT to work on things when you say nothing, you do NOTHING, when your choice of action is....inaction. I told him he had a choice...he could do SOMETHING, he could talk to me and those would be positive signs, but by doing neither naturally I'm not going to assume something positive from that....it's his choice.
Cally, make your H take responsibility...remember he agreed upon certain conditions (if I understood you correctly) in order to return, he's not fulfilling those conditions. Maintain a firm boundary/consequence....but definitely, keep those conversations out of the bedroom. That's not always easy, BTDT myself.
Also, if it takes you having to make a Dr. appt for him...do it. Yes, he should be adult enough to do that for himself, I agree with you on that....but making a Dr. appt. for him is a small effort for you and if he truly is depressed...might provide you with a payoff that's well worth it. Don't let pride get in your way on that one...k?
Great advice Green. I will try that and be firm on the boundaries. I have never tried telling him it was rude and his silence meant to me he didn't want to work on things. I will try saying that. If he doesn't respond even then should I just leave it at that?
Good advice to not let pride get in the way. For him to cry like that. And I mean he was crying for awhile was soo out of character. And to say that he is sad all the time. Also he must have said three times when I tried to get him to talk or guess what was bothering him he angrily told me this isn't about you. It's about me.
How has your husbands attitude been? Has he tried to seek you out at all or be loving? When is your next MC session? I was also thinking about your scehedules. Isn't it hard to be intimate if you two harly see each other on the crazy shift times you work? Could it be possible like he is worn out from doing extra work at the house when you aren't there. OR possibly resentful to not see you as much to build a stronger connection? Just trying to think of all possibilities.
If he doesn't respond to you when you tell him that. Drop it for the time-being. Don't harp on it, he heard you.
If he pulls the silent treatment the next time remind him...."your silence is disrespectful to me and means to me you don't want to work on us." Then drop it....remember don't harp, he's heard you. BUT, don't constantly try to bring up R talks either, that will make him feel nagged.
I'm sure you are like me in this respect. For me to feel that "we" are working on this problem I need him to talk with me, just the fact that he's talking with me makes me feel like he's actively doing something...he's validating to me that he agrees we have a problem. But that's not how my H works. He internalizes things. He HATES talking about things he's uncomfortable talking about....sex & intimacy is right at the top of his list for uncomfortable topics. I have had to tell him that this problem isn't going to go away without us talking about it, it won't suddenly solve itself. It's been a part of our R since the beginning, and it hasn't gone away....it's not suddenly going to either, so that means "we" have to work through it if we can...and we can't do that if we don't talk.
No, he doesn't seek me out for conversations, I still have to initiate those and drag things out of him (unless we are in the C's office). As far as affection goes...he does pretty much the same things he always did, with a few new slightly more sexual touches thrown in....but those are still very rare.
Our schedule...hasn't really been much of a schedule lately. Since I came back from my business trip in the beginning of October...we've had sex once....so that would make it once in six weeks (since we ML the time before that)....so far. That is one of the major reasons I've withdrawn the way I have from him now. He's once again not holding to something "HE" said he would do.
It's true our 4-wk alternating work schedule doesn't help things, but it is something we are used to...and it's definitely something he's used to. That is a main reason he'd committed to (and suggested himself) a weekend schedule for us. Oh and believe me...he's not worn out from doing extra stuff at our house when I'm not there....I pretty much take care of all of that.
If he's resentful that he doesn't see me more he never says so, so I wouldn't really know on that end. I guess though that if that was a problem....the only solution to that would be for him to find another job (it's he who has the rotating schedule, not me...I work days). That is pretty much why I try to leave the "schedule" up to him...to try to accomodate those days when he truly might be more tired than others.
Any other thoughts?
GEL I'd also wait to bring up another really serious R talk until after he sees a Dr. If he is depressed you may be overwhelming him. If he's not, then fair game.
Same thing here my husband hates talking about anything really that he is uncomfortable with. But I am looking into counseling. Because if he is paying maybe 30.00 or whatever an hour or half hour for counseling...I am wondering if he will answer a question then...lol.
Well, hmmmmm it is him that has the rotating schedule. Could him being plain exhausted have anything to do with it? I have heard that sometimes people with rorating schedules it can mess with them pretty badly. Because they are constantly having to adjust to a new routine and new sleep schedule.
WOW six weeks. Does he seem to have a breaking point? Like he will go so long then get extremely horny or anything? You would think after six weeks he would be ready to burst. LOL But of course my husband can and has gone that long to. But then again he masturbates so he does have a source for relief.
I'm sure his rotating schedule does mess with him to an extent and I feel I'm pretty flexible with it....I try to give him time to adjust when he has to flip-flop. Unfortunately though he does also have a baaaaaad habit of over-extending himself when it comes to doing things outside of work as well. This is something he is working on, and I have seen some progress on it...so he is doing bettter here, but I still see him using being tired as an excuse all the time.
He could be legitimately tired...but there are times I see him wear himself out as well.
And yes, it's been 6-weeks...and no, he doesn't have a breaking point...he never shows any signs of what I would perceive as "horny" either. In fact the man has never even woke up with an erection the entire time we've been together. I've never even seen him have one that I didn't have to get going myself.
I have flat-out asked him if he MB's too...he says no. I'm not convinced that's actually true, but if I take what he says at face-value...he doesn't.
Last night I was on the verge of asking him if he'd consider trying viagra. I didn't say anything last night because it would have appeared to come out of nowhere...but I think I am going to ask in the next few days if he'd be willing to give that a shot. I'm not so sure that much of his lack of "desire" doesn't come from the fact that he doesn't last long when we do have sex. I mean he lasts less than 30 seconds, which isn't surprising considering how long he goes without any type of release. I don't know for sure, but I just have this gut feeling that he has "performance" issues. Viagra might, just might, help with that if that is actually the case. But I'm thinking it's worth at least trying it to find out....if he's willing, which I think he probably would be, I will just have to ask.
Wow yeah Gel he could have performance issues then. You know my husband use to be this way in his younger days I guess. He eventually trained himself to be able to last longer. By getting right to that verge and then stopping. And doing that time and time again. I have even read articles where men have done this during masturbation. It helped them great deals in lasting much longer during sex.
Yeah you make a great point if he can find time outside work to do things....then surely he can make time for intimacy with you.
My husband also flat out stated he did not masturbate at all. I really took him at his word for a long time...until I caught him red handed...lol by accident. I was sooooo embarrassed. He is very private about this issue. Kinda weird.
Maybe the viagra could help. Anything is worth a shot. Is he generous with foreplay if he doesn't last to long?
He is beginning to get better about foreplay, but that is yet another thing I had to kind of put my foot down about....up until the time I did, he was perfectly content laying there letting me do absolutely everything, so there was no satisfaction for me at all. I mean, I like making him feel good...I get a certain satisfaction from that, but I definitely never was having an "O".
He is so very reserved when it comes to sex that it's sad...I mean he puts me to shame back when I was LD. I was definitely reserved back then but I don't think I was ever quite as reserved as my H.
Like I said he's told me he doesn't MB, but I just don't quite buy that. This man spends more time in the bathroom in one morning than I do in an entire week of mornings. I don't know if Viagra or something similar would help boost his self-esteem sexually or not, but it's one thing we haven't tried yet....and I believe it's worth a try at least.
Glad you put your foot down. After all you deserve to be content to.
Was he always this reserved even when dating? My husband was like a sexual dynamo. He would put me in different positions and was just plain exciting. I think sometimes that is what is so hard for me to except. At just how much he changed. It is not what I married. Now he is reserved.
My H was a bit more outgoing when we were dating yes, not drastically so....but yes he definitely did things then he doesn't do now...and that's something I've brought up to him. He's very, geesh I hate to use this term but it's true...mechanical. He does the same things, all the time...it's very predictable.
I guess the only thing I can do is to play mom and make an appointment for him. But I hate that. I am already a mom to 4 children. 
I will try that and be firm on the boundaries. I have never tried telling him it was rude and his silence meant to me he didn't want to work on things. I will try saying that. If he doesn't respond even then should I just leave it at that?
LOL But of course my husband can and has gone that long to. But then again he masturbates so he does have a source for relief. 
After all you deserve to be content to.