Green...Just wondering how things were going for you? How was your weekend?
I was thinking about your situation the other day. My husband to has said his exes were controlling as well as his family and friends saying the same thing. But something happened about a year ago that made me question if my husband had this problem in other relationships as well. Depsite what he has said happened in past relationships one of his cousins who happened to be married to one of his exes family members had told me that my husbands ex said he didn't satisfy her sexually and that is why she had an affair. Now mind you I was finding this out after 9 years of marriage and 11 1/2 years of knowing him.
Is is possible that maybe your hubby could have had similar problems in past relationships as well. But keeps it very guarded and places blame on the women?
It's been a bit since I updated here...about a week or so.
Nothing much really has changed in the GEL household. I still feel much the same way I did last time I posted and unfortunately my H isn't doing much to step up and address anything either (not that I'm surprised at that).
One of my best friends came by this weekend and stayed the night with us so I could help her with one of her college projects (she lives a couple of hours away), even she mentioned to me that she could feel tension in the house. We just aren't our normal selves. We're cordial, we're polite, we talk, we play with our son, but we aren't close.
Aw Gel sorry to hear the bad news. And even after the counselor told him to court you. I wonder how long he will wait to make another move.....hmmmm maybe right before your next session?
What timing...I was posting an update as you were typing your post.
Yes, I do believe that this was a problem in my H's past R's...although when asked he never directly replied yes or no...just "I don't know, maybe.".
When I first began trying to address our problems (and get him to understand we had problems) he used to give me all sorts of reasons he couldn't/wouldn't do things...all having to do with these controlling women. I guess it's been around a year or so that I began to realize, this must have been a problem in those R's as well. I mean, lets face it...if someone has repeated failed R's...it' can't be all the other persons' fault all of the time right, in fact the way I see it in ANY failed R it's never completely one persons' fault, both people contribute in their own ways. I did need to step back and take a bit of a reality check. I had to stop taking everything he told me at face-value because things just simply didn't add up. I had to stop accepting excuses and start looking at things more realisitically...this was difficult for me because it meant I might not find a solution. If I didn't have those excuses of his to hang on to, excuses that I might be able to find possible solutions to....then what?
I did some thinking about that and came to the conclusion the only thing I can do now is communicate clearly with him....bluntly tell him what I need him to do. Stop accepting "excuses" and call bu!![censored] when I hear it....and that's what I've started doing, in person and in our C sessions. What I'm hoping I'll get from this is either #1 he'll eventually step up and do at least some of what I need on a more regular basis, or #2 I'll see it's just not in him to give me what I need in a R, and then I can make my choices from there.
Naturally I'm hoping for #1 to happen. I do love the man even though I'm numb towards our situation right now....my numbness primarily comes from being simply burned out from working on this situation. This numbness isn't something I'm hiding from him either. In the past I would have worked really hard to hide this from him, to protect his feelings....now, I feel he needs to see the consequences of his inaction.
It wouldn't surprise me if he waits until the next session to do something again....that would be fairly typical of him and I'd expect that, especially with the "holidays" coming up. The holidays are a perfect excuse for him to say "we're just too busy". I'm not going to accept that excuse though....not anymore, and have been calling him on the carpet everytime he tries to use that excuse in our C's office.
Good you you GEL to stand up for yourself and call him out on things he is doing or should I say not doing. Yeah that is what I started doing to was just thinking it didn't add up because I to agree it takes two people to cause conflict in the marriage. Sometimes one person can do more to add to the problems. But all in all one person is never to blame. We all have faults. I to use to hang on to this excuse of hubby's. It was like well maybe it will just take time he was just so damaged by these prior women. Has your hubby noticed just how distanced you have become? You mean he didn't even try his Sunday initiation at all?
GEL things have been very difficult for us. A big part of me just wants to move on. But marriage vows I take seriously so I keep thinking is there more I could have done....or should be doing. And some how some way I muster up this strength to yet try again. I read DB again and try to find things I might have not tried. Right now my husband for the last 4 months I would say has acted like he absolutely care less about sex. He has not initiated at all. I have tried twice and was successful. But the last time I tried the weirdest thing happened. First let me say my husband shows no emotion at all. Except for anger really anymore. So what happened was so totally out of character for him. We had a babysitter for the evening. We went out and had dinner and then went and rented some movies. We came home and watched one of the movies and ate some snacks. Having a babysitter is rare so we had turned off the TV and he had not made a move but just rolled over and went to sleep. I was sooooo angry I couldn't hold it in. I told him it had been 6 weeks since sex. That I thought we were going to try and work on this marriage if he moved back in I was under the assumption that meant he wanted to work on it. I told him I couldn't understand why he was this way. Hpow it was so unfair for me to be in a relationship like this. That I was young and so depressed to be in a sex starved marriage. I tried to get him to talk but he refused. Fine I told him I guess I should just accept that maybe I should do the intiating all the time. I told him it would be w waste to not enjoy an empty house together and I tried to initiate. He flat out told me no that he didn't want to. That threw me for a loop. Because in all these years he has never said no if I initiated. I was even angrier after this happened. And flat out told him losten we need to talk about this even if it means were up all night. We have to get things out and in the open. The thing he did next was sooooooooo out of character for him. He srated crying. I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn't respond. After asking like 5 more times what was the matter and how I could help him the only thing he would say is that he is just sad all the time. I asked about me, about our relationship.he was like, " No! This Has NOTHING to do with you!" It's about me. I am just sad all the time.
It has really thrown me for a loop. I do think maybe there is a possibility he is depressed?? I know as his wife I need to try and help. But I can't force him to see a doctor. I also have to try and get passed this anger I have for him right now. I have so much built up resentment. I was just checking out our insurance program this morning for what they pay for counseling. Turns out counseling is covered in his insurance program. I think it is neccessary for him to go and then me. Then maybe both of us together??
Boy do I understand your situation...and no, he didn't initiate at all Sunday because it was that time-o-da-month for me beginning Saturday.
Anyway...on to what you said here... (I told him it had been 6 weeks since sex. That I thought we were going to try and work on this marriage if he moved back in I was under the assumption that meant he wanted to work on it. I told him I couldn't understand why he was this way. Hpow it was so unfair for me to be in a relationship like this. That I was young and so depressed to be in a sex starved marriage. I tried to get him to talk but he refused. Fine I told him I guess I should just accept that maybe I should do the intiating all the time. I told him it would be w waste to not enjoy an empty house together and I tried to initiate.)
Are you really surprised he turned you down at this time? If I put myself into your H's shoes when you were saying that I probably wouldn't have wanted to go there either (no offense Cally). I would have felt attacked.
You had lots of good points in what you said to him....but the worst possible place you can have a conversation like the one you had...is in the bedroom. If he had even possibly been considering going there (which he probably wasn't) by bringing it up then and there you pretty much cemented the fact that it wouldn't be happening.
Try to have these conversations away from the bedroom cally, you don't want that room to be a battle zone.
Going off of what you said though, there is a possibility that he could be depressed...do you think he would be willing to have that checked out? If for no other reason but his own well-being?
It is ironic, but I know he'll use that as an excuse...he did last year. This man is a pro at coming up with every excuse in the book as to why we are too busy to spend time alone together, much less be "intimate".
"This man is a pro at coming up with every excuse in the book as to why we are too busy to spend time alone together, much less be "intimate"."
Yikes, I know exactly how you feel. If I had a dollar for every time I said to my W, let's be intimate/affectionate and suddenly there was a million things to do/clean in the household, I'd be rich. Gosh that sucks. The holiday should be such a time of joy, thanksgiving, fellowship, friendship, love, etc. To quote Lil - "Sigh"
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I wonder how long he will wait to make another move.....hmmmm maybe right before your next session? 