GEL: Sometimes, telling him isn't enough. How about 3x5 index cards that say something like, "The way to GEL's heart is not by buying her things." "The only GIFT GEL want is Mr. GEL's PRESENCE." "If it costs money, don't bother." "GEL wants you between the sheets, not out buying the sheets"
Short of a baseball bat upside the head, that may be what he needs.
Actually you and I were thinking along the same lines...I was thinking flash-cards :-) However I'm still considering tattooing these upside down on his thighs while he sleeps (so he can have some reading when he pulls down his pants)...if he wakes up and asks what I'm doing I'll just say "journaling".
One time, when I fell asleep while studying, my ex drew a "Cat in the Hat" on my chest and belly. Somehow, I didn't wake up. But I bet I'd wake up if someone walked within 10 feet of my exposed "unit" with a needle.
Does he “get” other social cues, such as at parties, hanging out with the guys, around the office? Or does he only have a problem reading you? If he can’t “get” social cues in general, not just from you, then maybe there is something else going on other than just emotional distancing.
Quote: ---------------------------------------------------- Can any of you men out there explain to me why he's continually trying to fix our problems by buying me things... ----------------------------------------------------
Familiarity. It is comfortable for him.
Why is it so hard to learn that we don't meet our partners needs by doing what makes us feel good, but by doing what makes our partner feel good. Tough to learn and harder to practice.
Sorry you are having a tough time, GEL.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks for weighing in, I appreciate that, and BTW nice to see you around again....you've been missed.
His staying within what is familiar is exactly what is frustrating me the most in our R at the moment. I realize he's doing what is familiar to him and he won't step out of that comfort zone....even though doing what's familiar to him doesn't work in this R (he's become the walking epitomy of an exercise in insanity). I honestly believe I've done what I can to communicate clearly to him what I need of him, and exactly what he can do to provide me with what I need (I've given a variety of suggestions and examples, any of which would make me happy).
I still try to communicate to him what he can do and what would work for me. Last night, he talked about running us both a bath after our S was in bed. That, would work for me as quality time....I told him what a good idea I thought that was and that it sounded really nice. Did it happen? Nope. Instead he gave our S a bath (which I appreciated). This is something that is beginning to become typical of him. He will "talk" about doing things I've told him I would like, but very rarely actually follows-through on them. Usually when he does follow-through it's after I've gotten really upset, or have really withdrawn as well....so he feels he's in the dog house.
Now, I probably could have taken his comment as a lead to go run the bath and let him know when it was ready....but that defeats the purpose to me. He was talking about it...he needed to follow-through on it. IMPO I need him to learn to DO these things, not talk about them and then expect me to do the follow-through. If I have to do it, then what's the point?
Just doing a bit of venting here folks...thanks for bearing with me!
