Quote: I guess my question would be, how do you separate the person from the R. Isn't a person's behavior in large part who that person is?
Yes. However, the person more than likely doesn't know what they want and need, nor do they have the courage to own it... they say one thing, but do another. They say that creating a happy marriage is important to them, but their actions belie their statement. OR... the two of you have never agreed on what a 'happy marriage' means to the both of you.
Quote: If you love/accept the person but not the R, what are you in fact loving/accepting about that person? Their ideas/words? Non-R behavior?
Are you saying, then, that you can only love a person if they act and behave exactly as you expect?
Quote: And what if the problem in the R is sex/intimacy/affection, but the LD person considers their LD to be an integral part of who they are?
Then you have a problem which BOTH of you must objectively consider. Is this a negotiable or non-negotiable item? The only way you will know is if you are very clear on what you want and need, and you have the courage to own it.
For example.
HD: I want sexual intimacy to be an integral part of my relationship. For me, that means x, y, z.
LD: Sexual intimacy is not important to me, nor do I want to participate in a relationship which demands this of me.
Okay, so now we have something to consider. If they LD is unwilling to budge on their goal (or BOUNDARY), then you now have a decision to make. You decide if your boundary is in fact a boundary or a statement of preference (boundary being something YOU WILL NOT NEGOTIATE. PERIOD.) If it is a statement of preference, and you want to keep your marriage, then I'd focus on accepting what you cannot change.
If this is in fact a BOUNDARY for you, it is up to you and you alone to defend that boundary. Decide what you can do to meet your needs within your own moral framework and then say to your spouse:
Okay. You don't want to have sex. I respect that. I don't want to have sex with someone who is unwilling.
However, having sexual intimacy in my life is something I am unwilling to give up. It is an integral part of who I am (and you better make sure it is). Here are our choices. You can work with me to establish sexual intimacy with me, which you have said you will not do, so that's out. I can give up my sexaul needs, which I won't do, so that's out. I can seek fulfillment outside our marriage, or we can agree to end our marriage.
LD: I am not the one with the problem. I will not end my marriage over sex. If sex is more important to you than me, and you need to get out, then YOU end it.
And now you have a very big decision to make.
First and foremost understand that this is not about staying in the marriage or getting out over sex. It is about you standing up for who and what you are. It has nothing to do with whether or not you love the other person, or whether or not they love you. It's about... whether or not you love and respect yourself.
If having sexual intimacy is an integral part of who you are, don't apologize for it, don't feel ashamed about it... it's who you are!! If you are willing to change that for the sake of your marriage, and that is a decision you are making for YOU... great, do it, stop b!tching and change.
If it isn't, why in God's name would you ever give up who and what you are for anyone? It makes you dishonest, it makes you angry, resentful and all around miserable... but the only person who is to blame is YOU... because you are the one unwilling to stand up for YOU. Rather than face your fear of standing up for yourself... you try to get the other person to change so you don't have to make tough choices and proclaim to one and all: this is Who and What I Am.
If you cannot love and respect yourself, how can your spouse?
HD: Okay, then I'm getting out.
LD: You would tear our marriage apart over sex?
HD: No I would not tear our marriage apart over sex. I will tear our marriage apart because I have every right as you do to be Who and What I am, and I cannot do that in our marriage.
In all instances here, the problem is not with the person(s), it is with an unresolvable issue within the marriage. You may not like the choices you face, and all your choices may seem very undesirable, but in the end, what you will be left with is how you define yourself. Once you know that, only then can you make a choice, plot a course, and take action.
Corri
P.S. Being Who You Are typcially involves many boundaries. It requires a deep and thorough understanding of self. If you really don't know who and what that is, I'd start there.
