This is actually something we've addressed before (prior to you joining in on our BB).
I choose to view my H making attempts as an expression of his love for me, not as a false gesture. This is something I know people do struggle with. There are many people out there who feel that if their H or W ML to them on a "schedule" then they are doing it because they have to. Well perhaps that's true, but assuming that's why the LD spouse is doing it is wrong in my book. For me....I conciously choose to accept the mere fact that my H shows up on those nights (or did anyway) and makes the effort as a true sign that he is doing this out of love for me.....because he wants to make me happy. There is nothing wrong with someone doing something for you in an attempt to make you happy. We all do things in order to make other people happy....because we care for them.
Now it becomes different for me when my H shows up that night, and makes mechanical attempts....with absolutely no intimacy involved....or lays there and has me do everything....now that, I don't need....and no longer accept as an effort.
So now all I can do is tell him what I need clearly & specifically, it's up to him to do it or not. If he chooses to do it, great! Our M will recover and we'll be better than ever....if he chooses not to, well then he's chosen that path as well. I have placed the course of our M in his hands, and have stated so to him.
Dropping that rope is not an easy thing to do, but at some point I do believe it becomes necessary.
