I've been thinking about you and this situation with your H. I'm just talking out loud here because I don't know if what I am going to say has any merit, or if you and your H already understand this between the two of you.
This notion of "acceptance," or, "can you accept me exactly as I am," seems, to me, to present a real catch-22 to both parties. Let's take it from an HD perspective.
LD: Can't you accept me exactly as I am? (Translation: why do you not consider me lovable just as I am?)
Quandry: If the HD says yes, then it is as if they are letting their hopes for a better R with this person go... and they are metophorically screwed.
If they HD says no, they feel like a judgmental ogre, for the LD then feels like they are flawed somehow, and that doesn't get the HD any closer to the R goal.
Not to mention that the HD has not even asked yet if the LD can accept them exactly as they are.
What's my point. I think it critical for both parties to understand the very subtle yet important difference in accepting a person exactly as they are... and accepting a relationship exactly as it is, and then being able to communicate in those terms.
Can you see this, or am I just full of it?
Meaning, the person is not the problem. The relationship is the problem. You are free to love and adore the person exactly as they are... the relationship is the enemey, in a manner of speaking.
So if you said to your H... 'yes, honey, I can accept you exactly as you are, and I will love and adore you to the day I die for the person you are. What I cannot live with indefinitely is this relationship. It is not what I want and need from an intimate relationship. <Explain what you want and need>. If that isn't what you want and need, that doesn't make you a bad or flawed person. It just means that we have different R goals and we need to stop torturing one another."
Am I rambling here? Attack the R, not the person. Yes, you can both agree you want a happy marriage, but what does that mean, exactly?
For example, I know Cobra handed his wife a list of things he wanted for his R, but from her reaction to it, I can see where all she could see/feel was everything she was going to have to do/change in order to meet his 'demands.' They aren't demands, it's just want he wants. There is nothing to personalize there. Perhaps one of the reasons she cannot see it that way is because she does not really feel from him that he accepts her exactly as she is.
See what I mean? Once the two of you really understand and feel accepted and loved by the other, you can look at the R with a new set of eyes... objectively.
"You are not the problem. Our relationship is the problem. You are perfect exactly as you are. I want a, b, c. You want c, d, e." We agree on c. Is that enough to keep us together?
You have to have the courage to own and state what it is you want and need from a relationship, without expecting the other person to deliver it. And they have to have the courage to own and state what it is they want and need from a relationship without expecting you to deliver it.
The 'delivery' part is at the sole descretion of the other partner. There are no 'buts' to this... allow them to state what they are willing to deliver for you in the context of fulfilling their OWN goals, wants, needs... and THEN you can decide if/how/when you can or cannot deliver for them.
Get clear on your own goals and your own wants and needs, and THEN decide how to proceed.
You may see that is time to get out. You may see that you can truly make it... but your acceptance and lovability will no longer be the issue.
Hmmm. Well. Perhaps I'm spewing here... but. Well. Maybe I'm not saying it clearly.
