Seems my intuition regarding not answering our MC's question yesterday about whether or not I can live with the situation if this is all my H can do....was spot on in thinking I was in a catch-22, because I am....or at least I was.
My H called me last night from work...and I spoke briefly with him about our session earlier in the day. He asked me if I remembered what I had said before when our MC had asked me that question. I wasn't sure which time he was actually referring to by the way he asked it so he reminded me of an earlier time and told me what his understanding was of what I had said. He said..."As I understood it you said that if this is all I can do that you would just have to try to learn to live with it."
Ok, whoa! Rein in the horses...I'm getting off this wild ride right now! When he said that to me this light-bulb went off in my brain, that made me think he's been giving himself an excuse not to truly do what I need of him. No matter what I've said to him in the past, he's still focusing on a phrase (which btw he didn't quote completely) that would give him a convenient out to not truly do the work he doesn't want to do.
So, being true to my nature....exasperated as I am I explained to him. "Yes, I said I would try to learn to live with it....I didn't promise I could live with it. I have been trying to live with it." I also took the chance to tell him that I honestly don't believe he can't do what it is that I need of him. He got a bit defensive on me and kind of quiet, I'm sure because of what I had just said to him....so I told him. I don't believe this is the best you can do because when you want to do it, and you put an effort into it, you do it....but then you cease putting in any effort when I appear to be happy again. So, now....I don't buy that you simply don't have it in you, therefore you no longer get to rest on "what if this is the best I can do?"
You might have thought that we'd have ended up in an argument, but we didn't. I simply held true to my nature and calmly said what was on my mind. However in a way....I did end up answering our MC's question in private to him....and I think perhaps I may have avoided the catch-22 situation while I was at it...or at least perhaps diffused it.
Awesome, GEL. My W often confronts me with things I've said in the past. I used to freeze up like a deer in the headlights when she did that. Not so much, though, anymore. But your response to your H was perfection. I hope I can achieve that sort of on-the-spot thinking and verbalizing the next time I'm "quoted."
It's actually a pet peeve of mine to have someone quote me like he did....because I'm more-often-than-not...misquoted or the quote is taken out of context to suit the persons' intent....like my H did. He chose to focus on one portion of the comment, not the comment as a whole....and therefore missed the entire meaning behind it. That really frustrated me! It didn't really surprise me because he does tend to do this, but it frustrated me nonetheless....I think that's one of the reasons I didn't hesitate to put his comment back into context.
Only time will tell though if it will actually make any difference whatsoever.
Yeah, that whole "til death do us part" thing can be a real security blanket for some folks. I think your answer to your H was awesome, and quite honestly, I suggest you stay in that 'emotional buffer' zone you've got for a little while longer. Not to torture him, but to give yourself a much needed break.
That doesn't mean you don't respond to his genuine overtures, if you WANT to... but first and foremost, take care of you. Let him take care of him.
It's actually a pet peeve of mine to have someone quote me like he did....because I'm more-often-than-not...misquoted or the quote is taken out of context to suit the persons' intent....like my H did. He chose to focus on one portion of the comment, not the comment as a whole....and therefore missed the entire meaning behind it. That really frustrated me! It didn't really surprise me because he does tend to do this, but it frustrated me nonetheless....I think that's one of the reasons I didn't hesitate to put his comment back into context.
My wife says I do this to her too, but I find she does it as well. We remember what which triggers something in us. That is the filter we all have. What frustrates me is that W thinks I do this intentionally to carve out a position against her. What she really needs to do is understand WHY I hear her words as I do. It is not my fault that I do so, no more than it is her fault that she hears things as she does. It just frustrates me when I am blamed for hearing things as I do.
Actually that's exactly the advice our MC gave me yesterday....and it's pretty much what I'd already decided to do. If "I" feel like responding to him I will, if I don't...I'm not going to, I'm not going to be false about it...and I'm not going to perpetuate his false sense of security by doing so.
If I respond in kind to him...it's needs to be done in a genuine manner by me because I feel like I want to, otherwise I'm not being true to myself.
Sure, we all have filters when it comes to listening to others...that's a human fallacy we all have. My H seems to have risen this to an art-form though. I have no doubt I'm guilty of this from time-to-time as well, but I do tend to be better at clarifying things than my H does. This particular comment that I spoke about was made in January of this year...very nearly a year ago and this was the first I've heard his "understanding" of it.
When I first made the comment several months ago....in our MC's office. I thought it was clarified at that time, he had even repeated back what he "understood" me to say at that time, however over the past several months he seems to have edited his understanding down to just that portion of what I said....and focused on that as a reason not to step up.
Anyone got that 2x4? I may need to borrow it. Oh no, wait! I have a cast-iron skillet, that'll work just as well.
Corri, That "emotional buffer zone" isn't really a fun place to be, in fact it plain sucks. The sh!tty part about it is you just don't feel like you have the strength to pull yourself out of it anymore, so you just sort of sit and wallow, or should I say flounder, in it. Its like when you are sick with the flu, been in bed so long that all you want to do is get up, but you just can't find the strength anywhere in your body to even pull the blankets off much less get up, KWIM?
GEL, you take care of yourself while you fight this emotional flu. Let him take care of his own needs, as you need all your energy to take care of yourself.
