Todays MC session was a bit tense. Our MC, smart woman that she is, quickly picked up on the fact that I've basically shut down....not like it wasn't fairly obvious. She asked her normal "so how are things with you two?" to which my H gave his normal speech "well we've been really busy...." and named of a half dozen things that are always going on in our lives as excuses for not doing the things that she's suggested we do.
I guess, I must have made a face when he was doing that because she quickly looked at me and asked how "I" was doing...so I told her, "I'm numb, I'm not myself and right now I cannot seem to force myself to put effort into ANYTHING." So naturally she asked me to elaborate on that. I explained that as of the last couple of days in particular that I could see my H was trying to make some efforts but that even when I would conciously tell myself I needed to do something to validate his efforts....I couldn't seem to force myself to do it, it was as if I simply feel like lead.
She recognized that right now I'm not in a good place....and of course asked me why I've withdrawn so I told her...."I'm exhausted". I've spent years working on our issues and right now I have nothing left in me to put out there. That doesn't mean I don't see his efforts, I do...but I don't trust them. Part of me wants to give my H the benefit of the doubt that this time he'll keep up the efforts, but then part of me looks back in our history and sees all the times he made efforts short-term when I got upset and then stopped after a few days. So as much as I want to trust his efforts, I don't.
She also asked me if what he's putting forward now, if this is all he can do, is this something I can live with...considering all the other things that we have in our M that are good that in her view balance out. I told her that is something that I've been thinking very hard about, but that right now I'm not ready to answer. I didn't say this to her but I truly feel that if I answer "yes" to that at this point he will stop trying. If I answer "no", he'll give up as well. At this point, since I'm not yet willing to give in on trying....I'm not going to answer that question, it's just simply one where I feel a catch-22.
I reiterated to him one more time that ever since we married.....he stopped putting effort into us. His assignment this week now? She's actually told me to do no work on us, but his assignment is to court me again. This somewhat surprised me.
So now he's made plans for this weekend, we'll have to see what this weekend brings.
