No, I don't live in Houston. I was in Houston visiting my sister, who lives in Houston. Got in at 2 p.m., crashed at 10 p.m. She was driving. We crashed trying to avoid an accident.
At that infamous 6 something-something interchange where a gazillion and one accidents happen all the time. That one.
Let's say you found a man that was interested in other things. If he was LD, would he then be a good match. I guess the meaing of my original question is that if a LD person was treated LIKE LD people treat their spouses, would that be a good thing? I know that you do not like being desired for sex, so would it be better if your spouse was just like a LD, and that they could not express any physical desire for you, that they don't like to touch, that they don't like to kiss, that the sight of you does absolutely nothing to arouse them.
Let's say you found a man that was interested in other things. If he was LD, would he then be a good match. I guess the meaing of my original question is that if a LD person was treated LIKE LD people treat their spouses, would that be a good thing? I know that you do not like being desired for sex, so would it be better if your spouse was just like a LD, and that they could not express any physical desire for you, that they don't like to touch, that they don't like to kiss, that the sight of you does absolutely nothing to arouse them.
I hate to burst your bubble, CeMar, but I don't think I'm LD. I think the anger and the resentment I held toward my H is what killed my desire. Our problem was never with the physical act of sex... it was in establishing EC.
One of the biggest problems I have is that I am amazingly good at supressing my emotions, especially anger. I never learned how to express anger properly, for I was never 'allowed' to be angry as a child. It was a very 'unsafe' emotion for me. And that is one of the biggest things I worked on with my shrink when I was in counseling.
I still do it, though. The only difference now is, at least I am aware of what I am doing. For example... my H and I split in early June. Not until a few days ago did I cry. Crying is really tough for me, too. It may not seem like a big deal to many, but crying is one of the best tools for releasing and expressing all kinds of emotions. I was really getting worried about me, afraid I was turning into a robot again... holding all those emotions in is really, really tough on your body.
But one day last week I was out walking the dog and flood gates opened (I guess I was ready). I cried for two hours... and in the middle of it all, I was laughing because I was so excited that I was finally, finally crying.
It's not that I don't like to be touched, or that I don't enjoy sex, or that I don't like to be desired for sex. It's just not the only thing I want to be desired for.... because at some point you begin to feel that that is the only use you have in your partner's life. That really hurts... maybe you can relate on some level... perhaps you feel that the only use you have for your wife is to provide a home and an income.
So hurt evolves into anger, and anger evolves into resentment, and then you've got a whopping LD/HD problem. I have said this a thousand time before and I will say it again, in 99.9% of the cases, barring medical and physical problems, I do NOT think that the LD/HD problem has anything to do with lack of sex and intimacy. Those things are a symptom of a much larger problem(s) within the relationship.
I think one of the reasons Michele recommends the 'just do it' approach is because it is a place to begin. When HDs have sex, they are willing to talk. When LDs have sex with their HD partners, they set the stage for their HD spouse to talk.
But talking doesn't mean crap if both partners are not aware of what the real and true problems are. The 'desire' differences are just the very tip of the ice berg. You've got to get below the surface and deal with that enormous chunk of ice that is floating beneath it.
I would guess that chunk of ice is made up of a lot of hurt, anger and resentment of both parties and it takes time and willingness for both parties to face themselves and start melting the ice. That process typcially begins with one person... and that one person is doing a lot of ice melting all by themselves for a period of time.
Sometimes the other spouse will then step up to the plate, sometimes they won't. Making true and lasting changes to yourself is very painful, very hard work. People don't like getting out of their comfort zones... because if they do, they have some very nasty things about themselves they have to face.
I really don't know what to tell you, CeMar. The answer lies with your wife. I don't know how the two of you communicate, but it'd be my guess not very well. That's where I'd start with you. You may have a method of communicating that does not work with your wife. I'd go learn how to communicate in a different way.
I wish I had a better answer for you, buddy. My heart really breaks for you.
