Thanks for the info, Corri, and sorry to hear about the divorce.
I had the same sort of feeling when I picked up SSM the first time. It was like Michele had been listening in on our conversations, and reading my mind. It perfectly described my marriage, and the pain I was feeling. And that's just the first chapter.
Unfortunately my wife didn't think so. I got her to read it, and she read the first chapter. Then she moved on to something else and the book has sat unread, unopened, ever since. But even though she didn't read much of it.... if the first chapter can't get a reaction, what can?
I have considered SSM as a book for both of us, b/c after reading the synopsis it did seem to describe our R very well. I mentioned it to my wife awhile back, and she said that she had seen the book on amazon and had read some negative reviews claiming it really put down the LD folks. I didn't see that AT ALL. Maybe I'll bring it up again, perhaps in counseling.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Lostgal, to quote AFF I find it pretty much a turn off though for wanting to be envolved with someone when she smashes your your self worth and ego by turning you down time after time. I find extremely difficult to be civil let along show a sincer interest in a woman who has sent me to very dark and desprate places
Quote: my H for example, never thought of the gal, or how to find the ways to please them.
Sorry to hear that has happened LG.
Quote: He just thought that you "hammer long enough" and that will work.
At one time I thought it took thrusting long enough to reach the goal. At that time I was inexperienced. I never knew what it took then LG. Your H failed to learn over time, is this what you are saying?
I know there are couples out there that are quite happy to have no strong physical connection - ie they are both no-desire individuals and are happy in connecting in a non physical sense. I believe that the answer to your questions lies in the matter of the degree of the disconnect in the matter of desire.
I believe if there is a large difference in drive, partiuclarly if one partner has a moderate to high sex drive and the other partner has extremely low or no sex drive, that the chances of a happy relationship diminish signficantly.
My observation as the HD husband with an ND spouse and in discussing with others is that neither spouse really wants to "negotatiate" an acceptable level of sexual activity. The ND spouse often feels totally put out that they are "pressured to "perform" something they really do not want to do. The LD spouse will often feel that if the HD spouse truly cared about them, they would not ask for sex and that they would manage their own needs without having to involve them. Any advances are just seen as another "horny" moment of the HD spouse - "that's all they want from me" attitude is sure to set in.
On the other hand, the HD spouse becomes desparate for some kind of physical connection if their spouse is ND. What otherwise may be a caring relationship in a wholestic sense becomes bitter. The HD spouse feels constantly denied and can not really accept that his/her spouse doesn't have any interest. The more the HD spouse feels they give to the relationship, the more they become frustrated because the sex drive discrepency can not be negotiated away.
In addition to the frequency issue, is the issue that the HD spouse is usually desparate to have a two way physical relationship. Knowing that each time there is a physical connection is 0nly because the LD spouse has negotiated the event or feels guilty does not help the situation. Sex becomes a matter of duty for the one party (the LD side) and guilt for the other party (the HD side). No one is truly happy and the relationship becomes at best a negotiated relationship. This is a far cry from the relationship that most people expect when they are citing their wedding vows.
If sex drives are close, I believe the differences can be worked on and could result in a happy and fullfilling reltionship.
Anyway, just thoughts from someone who clearly is bad at negotiating a relationship.
Lost Gal, your description does not fit my bf either, nor would it have fit my late husband. I would have been very happy with playful, "animalistic" sex with minimal EC. I never doubt/ed that both of these men love/d me very much. For them it just doesn't/didn't translate into sex.
Corri, sorry to hear you're going through a D. We'd be interested in what's been happening if you want to start your own thread.
Quote: If sex drives are close, I believe the differences can be worked on and could result in a happy and fullfilling reltionship.
I agree with you that similar drives can make things easier. But even that isn't enough some times.
I read on another marriage-related board a few months ago, a post by a HD wife married to a HD man. She was ready to bail out of the marriage because *both* wanted the other to initiate. So, the drives were compatible, but the expression of those drives was not. Another couple had equivalent drives, but one spouse wanted to pursue swinging while the other did not.
Also, a couple of years ago NOP was watching a tv program about married people on the verge of divorce. One couple was both high drive sexually, with no disagreement on frequency or intensity, but their relationship was falling apart in other areas and they did end up getting a divorce.
To me, it is our inability to work out our differences in a way that is supportive of both spouses. The sexual drive discrepancy is paramount here because that's the topic of this forum. But the inability to negotiate work commitments, community involvement, child rearing, housework, finances, family time, religious involvement, etc. including sexual drives - there are people who find themselves in the same hamster-wheel on issues that their partner will not work with them to resolve.
Quote: I have considered SSM as a book for both of us, b/c after reading the synopsis it did seem to describe our R very well. I mentioned it to my wife awhile back, and she said that she had seen the book on amazon and had read some negative reviews claiming it really put down the LD folks. I didn't see that AT ALL. Maybe I'll bring it up again, perhaps in counseling.
I couldn't resist - I went and read all 28 reviews. I could only locate one that might meet your wife's description. It was a review who hadn't even read the book but took issue with the title.
A reviewer wrote: "WRONGLY TITLED: RIGHTLY WRITTEN, January 15, 2005 Reviewer: As life has it "Wondering WHY" (TX, USA) - See all my reviews I have not read the entire book--only bits and pieces while at different book-stores. And I know why I am hesitating in purchasing it just yet: a. The marriage of the friends for whom I want to buy the book is at a very early stage, and maybe they dont need this book just yet. b. But the bigger reason is the title of the book. Using the word 'starved' has made it appear as a one-sided book---a book only for those whose libido is high----whereas typically the low-libido person needs to read this book also, since s/he needs to u.stand how her/his insensitivity to the sexual needs of her/his partner, can be ruining an otherwise happy marriage. The 'starved' seems to spell only the 'deprived' partner's state, whereas in as much as it takes 2 to tango (and make love), both people need to be addressed. Infact, inside the covers, the book does precisely that----its a very well written book, with equal sections for both the people. Thus it should be definitely a very useful book for both partners. Maybe a title like: 'SEX-DEVOID MARRIAGE' sounds more neutral in its approach. "
End review:
There were a couple of HD wives a bit miffed that they weren't addressed (HP was that you? )
I didn't see any review that could be identified as putting down the LD spouse.
We originally saw Michelle on some tv interview/talk show. I think NOP ordered the book that night. We had already tried (with spectacular failures) to address this issue in our marriage on and off for about 2 years. While it was not a panacea, SSM helped move us into a deeper phase of addressing our drive issues. Reading NOP's posts here moved us even further. And it was NOP's acceptance that I had needs/issues that had not been met in our marriage that pushed us into the place we're in today.
Do any of you ever read to each other short snippets of whatever you might be reading regarding sexual issues?
When NOP and I were battling through this, we would still share something we had read or heard on the topic (at times, it was still very much a loaded subject). In fact, I think I was in the process of sharing something with NOP about sexual drive issues I had read about when I tossed my plate of food in the kitchen. I was sharing it as my way of saying that I was listening and trying to incorporate it, when he responded (I know with the best of intentions) with some comment that was meant to drive it home.
What's wrong with a "Listen to this, honey, it perfectly describes what I feel at times." Or even a "I just read this and wondered if it describes how you feel..."
Nothin' slips by MsNop! Did some check-behind on Ms. Chromo, eh? Brace yourself: that's the kind of thing Ms. Hdog would do.
SSM was read in its entirety by me. Given to W, who immediately went ballistic. Then, she read the part directed at HD spouses to show me all the things I was doing wrong. That was about a year and a half ago. It hasn't been touched since.
We'd be interested in what's been happening if you want to start your own thread. 
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