Question for all you HD's out there, can you actually have a fulfilling relationship with someone that can not bring the heat on their own? Can anyone see how a relationship would work when only one person can show enough desire for the other?
Question for the LD's, would you like to have a spouse that shows a lot less desire for you?
I suppose I would be interested in a spouse that showed as much desire in all other aspects of of my life as he did in having sex with me. I find that type of genuine interest in me and that level of participation in non-sexual activities to be a great turn on.
When the only passion and desire I ever see out of him is when he wants to have sex, I naturally draw the conclusion that all he is desirous and passionate about is sex, and no, that doesn't make me feel special, nor is it a turn on (actually it is rather a great turn off).
From my point of view - (acknowledging that it was/is biased), although NOP and I always had a sexual desire discrepancy, initially the relationship was strong enough that our frequency and emotional contact remained good. As he began investing more time and emphasis in career and I started investing in motherhood, that early relational connection began to weaken, although it took years for it to solidify into the disconnected mess it became.
He spent an ever-growing amount of time and energy on work, and when he was off, he needed to do (or not do) things that would help replenish him for the upcoming week of high demands job-wise. Weekends began to carry the strain, with me being rabid to get out of the house and do something with him geared to my interests, and him wanting to charge up his batteries which my activities didn't do for him. He had activities that he enjoyed doing that did recharge him, but they weren't what I was longing for.
At some point, I realized that I had a choice to either keep hammering him about the issue or to try to do something else. I chose the "do something else" and loosely joined up with a group of other stay at home moms and tried to fit in the things I enjoyed during the day while NOP was at work. Occasionally there were things I participated in on weekends, where more times than not, I was the "widow" in the group. It caused further erosion in our relationship, additional distance and emotional withdrawal.
And my resentment grew to the point where the relationship was not strong enough to support the differences in drives. I know that many of you have suffered the hurt of sexual rejection and I don't want to superimpose my background over everyone's sitch. (And after reading posts from everyone here, many of you keep seeing patterns, but I am always impressed by the differences.)
As a lower drive spouse, when desire seems to be primarily expressed sexually, it isn't flattering. It feels demeaning and objectifying - that it has nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with someone else's urges that exist outside of *you*.
The weird thing is, I feel the exact same way about my LDH. I feel that his desire exists outside of me--has nothing to do with me, really.
He gets horny every 3 days whether or not I do anything. I can't entice him in the interim and I can't seem to un-entice him on Day 3. His horniness is not tied to me in any way; I am simply the outlet for it.
Quote: As he began investing more time and emphasis in career and I started investing in motherhood, that early relational connection began to weaken, although it took years for it to solidify into the disconnected mess it became.
This seems to be similar to our pattern. BB's comments go along the lines of yours.
I suppose I would be interested in a spouse that showed as much desire in all other aspects of of my life as he did in having sex with me. I find that type of genuine interest in me and that level of participation in non-sexual activities to be a great turn on.
When the only passion and desire I ever see out of him is when he wants to have sex, I naturally draw the conclusion that all he is desirous and passionate about is sex, and no, that doesn't make me feel special, nor is it a turn on (actually it is rather a great turn off).
Corri
I can understand what your saying Corri, I find it pretty much a turn off though for wanting to be envolved with someone when she smashes your your self worth and ego by turning you down time after time. I find extremely difficult to be civil let along show a sincer interest in a woman who has sent me to very dark and desprate places. I thank God that I was able to climb out of that dark hole. For me it's important that we "play of each others desire and passion". I can no longer carry the load with my desire.
I can understand what your saying Corri, I find it pretty much a turn off though for wanting to be envolved with someone when she smashes your your self worth and ego by turning you down time after time. I find extremely difficult to be civil let along show a sincer interest in a woman who has sent me to very dark and desprate places. I thank God that I was able to climb out of that dark hole. For me it's important that we "play of each others desire and passion". I can no longer carry the load with my desire.
Absolutely, I agree with you. I was just answering CeMar's question. I think the most heart-breaking thing I've ever experienced was to finally realize how my actions had affected my H, for truly, I had NO IDEA. Awareness can be a very painful thing... and it could be why so many LDs can not or will not see it. It's a pretty darn horrifying moment, and then to top it off, you have to figure out how to change yourself, to continue to try your best when your spouse is not yet willing to forgive or forget... they're still being their lovely obsitnate selves because they're afraid to hope, or afraid to believe the changes are permanent... or because they truly are azzholes. It's tough, no mistake about that.
Do not take my response to CeMar's question as an indication of some lack of empathy or compassion for the HD plight. He asked a simple question and I gave a simple answer. We all know the LD/HD experience is anything but.
Quote: Absolutely, I agree with you. I was just answering CeMar's question. I think the most heart-breaking thing I've ever experienced was to finally realize how my actions had affected my H, for truly, I had NO IDEA. Awareness can be a very painful thing...
Bog, I'm beginning to feel like a Rush Limbaugh listener... Uh. MegaDittos, there Ms. Corri.
Quote: I think the most heart-breaking thing I've ever experienced was to finally realize how my actions had affected my H, for truly, I had NO IDEA. Awareness can be a very painful thing...
Hi Corri,
I'm sure you've written about it before, but could you remind me what triggered that awareness for you? Did it come over time, or was there a single "oh my God!" moment?
I keep thinking I can do something to provoke that realization in my wife, but it just ain't happening....
BB's comments go along the lines of yours.