You make a really good point. My W is so far off-the-chart from being the stereotypical female that it's more like "wow...she may be a cow, but but man, she's not the average cow...she's really fun to ride". Damn, I could get my a$$ kicked for saying that.
I guess my "big point" might just be that a regardless of esteem, genetic predispositions, or programming, the person feeling neglected is 100% responsible for making themselves not feel neglected. Sure, to some degree, the wedding vows are supposed to state an implied amount of mutuality but if one person starts to drift away from the vows, it's your duty to remind them of it. People and feelings change...it's a fact of life.
But instead of simply berating your spouse, it also means doing a reasonable amount of work on yourself so that you aren't inviting them to provide a crutch to one (or more) of your inadequacies. If honey get's to the point where she says "that's it...I've changed as much as I'm ever going to change...it's his turn", then she's faced with a more difficult task of waiting patiently to get the type of attention she wants form her H. If the H isn't into it, regardless of the reason, then it's back in her court to make equally unappealing decisions...leave, cheat, or live with it.
When I realized this, I practiced making myself more comfortable with all three of these options. In the past years, my M has transitioned from being one based upon a whole host compensations for my own inadequacies to become a simple choice to be her partner. Once it's based upon choice you want to invest more in it...I bet great marriage wisdom could be found in corporate HR and management books.
Anyway, honey's sitch is very tricky because of the religious twist. I can't relate to it at all...I actually went through the entire process of planning an exit and I still feel like I have that option if I so choose it. But as I'm living one day at a time, I'm learning to appreciate her for her and not for the gaps (in me) she fills. It may sound twisted to plan an exit, but by pretending to be heading towards singlehood, my own issues became more clear for me to address.
Since I haven't been here in a while, has there been some discussion about Schnarch? I'm still a big believer in him but I've learned that simple "knowledge" of the dynamics involved in a repair don't mean squat until you start living them. in our case, it's been more of a process where I look back and think "wow, he was right" rather than "he fixed us". But the principles are very sound and they relieve a lot of the anxiety associated with relationships.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
