Howdy Folks!

[NotATLDave]

Lemme ask you a couple questions..things that I didn't understand. Firstly, what did you mean by becoming more like you and less like her? In what ways were you like her?

I somehow absorbed her individual system and made decisions based on my perception of her desires. We all do this...we make decisions based on assumptions we have about our spouse. We don't initiate because we assume they will say no. Worse is when we get angry with someone for not making the assumption and my W was guilty of that too. She would say "Now what makes you think, after all these years of knowing me, that I would want to (fill in the blank)?". Let's say this was in response to me saying..."gee, you are looking good...I'd love to take you to a vacant parking lot and have some fun". I permanently corrected her behavior by responding "So rather than be pleased over the fact that I'm finding you attractive right now, you would rather get mad at me for not reading your mind? I'm just telling you what I want to do...what's the problem with that?". Quit assuming and deciding for your spouse...tell them what you want. Defend it if you have to and correct any attempts they make to bring you back into their system. Anyone, your spouse, kids, friends etc. who get irritated that you don't "know them well enough to...." is simply not strong enough to stand up for themselves....therefore, they depend on others to compensate for them. If you play into that, you are "fusing" yourself into a shared system that's hard to break. Remember, you are allowed to express any desire, any time you want. If ML is something you want, then by all means...say so. If it's met with a bad reaction, then ask "why is the thought of me wanting you not taken as a compliment or a nice thing...is it because you have a real big problem saying no all the time?" (note, that quote is more to provoke thought than actually use. Polish it up if you want to use it.)

I'm 100% responsible for the sex "I get".

Now keep repeating this.

I gulped and realized that I could have done this a couple years ago and now would be terrified.

Why reprocess the present in the past and have a "bad feeling" (terrified) when you are in a nice warm bed with a H who is telling you that you would look good doing xxxx? Of the thousands of dollars in therapy, I didn't get this point until I went to a goofy little meditation class run by some Buddhists. Their whole point was to learn to control what thoughts you allow into your head and if you can't, then change the way you perceive them. Again, it's learning to live exactly in the moment. Don't cloud a situation with the fact that your H has been a big dud for years. This is really hard to do and I nearly did it the other night before she corrected me. Amazingly, the other morning I grinded up against her...and we actually did it in the morning...which she once said she would never do. I didn't even ask. It's that whole thing about keeping a cool head and staying in the moment.

I also came to the lightning fast conclusion that this is MY doing. My problem and the solution lies within me.

True.

I....became even less attractive to him.

How do you know? Did he tell you? I bet if I asked him, he'd say you are very attractive. You associate his desire for you with your attractiveness. This might be something so deeply entrenched in the female psyche that it can never be fixed...but it's wrong. When you have a thought like that, acknowledge it with "this is stinkin' thinkin'". Accept the fact that he is what he is...but only at this specific point in time. Forget his past and don't make negative predictions about the future based upon his past (a quote from C #4).

Your desire to have him pursue you is totally valid. But that's all you are entitled to. If he does or doesn't show desire to your liking, then you have to quietly deal with it...why give him crap for being himself any more than he can give you crap for being you?

I must confess that it was much easier for me to change my perception when I wasn't reinforcing it by "reliving and rewriting" it here. The mind is pretty sensitive to suggestion and repetition. If you keep writing..."and he rejected me...", then that memory gets cut into your head much deeper. I'd focus soley on the positive aspects of the new mindset that you want to have. Instead of writing about how a past memory terrified you, write about how for a brief moment, you were so happy that your H thought of you in a certain way. Burn the good ones into your head...not the bad ones.

I gotta get some sleep...it's 2 am here.