KDK/KDU/Piglet/KML - Thanks for all the hugs!!! I hear all of you... I really think that my name really suits me to a TEE... After my last post, I did have a chat with my gf and she said "Stick to your guns! Fair is fair - you did give him till January. Why are you giving up now" which did give me a knock on my head. I went off to send H another email... (I know I know...reacting vs thinking things through thoroughly) to tell him that I did give him till January and I was sorry to dump him that LOOOOONG email about my confusion blah blah blah. No reply from him. Later that night, sent him some texts....no reply at all. I sent him another text (I know that it sounds sacarstic...) " Hey! I know you've reeled me into your web last night already, and can ignore me now...but can I at least know that you are alive?" His reply came a couple of hours later. H: Just came out of workshop. Going dinner with gang now. Sorry. No phone. Me: Okay..you are alive. Then I don't need to go collect the $$ from the insurance. H: So fast want me to die already? Call me now if U can. Will speak to boys. Me: Leave or Die...Mourning process is the same. Plus I get the $$ from insurance :-) Call you at 8 pm. Boys are changing now.. Then, I got a call from H ...he spoke to the boys...and then to me. We had a very "cheeky" sacarstic type of convo... He was with his work ppl and didn't really want to talk ...but I don't know what got into me, but was joking about me being entangled in his web blah blah blah..Then ended the call.. Then there were text exchanges between us... Can't remember what I wrote but H's responses.. H: You r so noisy. I'm at dinner. Go sleep. Nite nite. (can't remember what was this response to) H: Yes, u r better in many aspects. Talk to u some other time. ...In front of boss. (this was in response to me texting that I am more beautiful, smarter, kinder, lovelier, better body blah blah blah) H: I know...and I appreciate that. bye!!! (This was because I said "One thing I forgot..You are such an as@hole that it is a real marvel that I can still have feelings for you)
Then some time passed... I sent H another text "Boys told me you will be back next weekend. That means you won't be back for Xmas? Yes, I forgot. You have other obligations. Just that I need to find an excuse to explain to the boys". ( I know..I know...I am pushing him awaaayyyyyy) H then replied "I'll be in Country X for Xmas n New Year. Boss is going away for 3 weeks and I am standing in for him. Planning to invite all of u over...talk to u later. ...with bosses now". I didnt' reply to this text.
This morning, got in and saw that H has replied to my previous email. He said "Okay. Okay. I won't contact you until I sort myself out. Sorry for everything". Me: Don't think you will ever sort yourself out. I did give you till January. And I will keep my word. Then, I will sort it out for you. Meanwhile, I will go with your monkeying around till January. You did give me 'permission' to speak to her then. So please don't go back on your word".
Also sent him an email with some pix of the boys..taken in Phuket (which he didn't come along...)
Anyway, I think KDU is right in the sense that I should not make any contacts. And when he does, I will be pleasant and NOT push him away. I know my previous emails and texts have been somewhat sacarstic and would do very well in PUSHING him away... *sigh* Yes Yes... time to control myself...
I had some problems with S8 this morning... which hopefully will be sorted out...
I think KML has provided a lot of questions to GUIDE me as to where I should be heading...I DO know what I want,...just that I am REacting so much that I LOSE focus on my primary goal...
Do you still hope for H to give up OW and come back to the marriage? A BIG YES....
Then I would not cut off the sex. As long as he is thinking about and enjoying phone sex with you, he is getting closer to you and farther from her (men have sex to get close, women want to be close before they have sex). Okay...I hear you. This is along with Michelle's advice that we should utilize whatever "connection" that we can still maintain with our WAS. And I would have to say that he does still have the hots for me... I see that even if he does "choose" to be with ow, he would still have this yearning for me (I know I sound a bit big-headed...but ow really absolutely has no b**bs...and H is a b**b guy...) I could easily manipulate him with this...question is whether do I want to do this post-January?? He will be back next weekend...so will see if he makes the first move....I don't think I want to make the first move though...perhaps maybe innocently parade myself in THAT dress..
Are you trying to push H into a decision by telling him you are done? Normally I wouldn't object to this in your sitch, but you DID tell him he had until January, so now this seems really pushy on your part because you aren't living up to your word. Yes..Yes... I've been told by my gf... So, I did send him an email to somewhat apologize and say that I will give him till Jan and I will keep to my word.
Better to just let him get jealous and think you might be going out and having fun and worry that you might meet another guy, than to push up your ultimatum Point taken...Unfortunately, my social calender this weekend looks a bit drab...may have to fabricate something.... *Putting on thinking cap*...
Are you frightened of being disappointed so you're pushing him away first to try to lessen the pain by controlling the sitch? Yes...I think this is VERY VERY true. This is exactly what is happening with me...
You're not SURE you'll win him, so you'll end the uncertainty by making sure you lose him??? Yes...sounds like a really stupid thing to do, huh? Okay, I get the drift...Just don't know how I can put my nose back onto my face...
Or are you just deciding that you don't want him anymore and aren't up to the tough work of reconciliation? That would be a reasonable conclusion, but I don't get the sense that's where you are coming from.
You are right, Ellie... I do want him. I do know the HARD work of reconciliation...and I do want to have my M back.
I do know where I want to go.... I guessed I just have to swallow my pride, put away my fears of disappointment and hurt, and put on my DBING hat....
What would I do without this BB???? THANK YOU gals!!! and Guys!!!
