Still Yoyo-ing About #4...

[KimDownUnder]

Yoyo yes it is hard and you know why b/c you still love him and you want him and your marriage back.

Now when you were detaching look at how H hounded you but the moment he realised he could still get you to have phone sex with him he knew he still had you where he wanted you. From that I bet he also knows that he could come and sleep with you for real if he wanted to.

This is easier to say than do but I would go back to treating H as though it was over don't give in to him and maybe say something like "Look H this has gone on too long I need to move forward and stop waiting for you. You have had plenty of time to tell OW and you haven't so I don't believe you ever will. If you ever do let me know and I may reconsider then, but I may decide I prefer my new life too so that is your chance to take. I am now looking after myself and the boys and I wish you well.

Or at least you get the idea that I am trying to get across, I thought you were doing quite well and I believe you still can. You have just had a minor setback that's all. It's no big deal, as long as you stick to it a lot longer this time.....

Goodluck with it all Yoyo...KDU

[kismet]

Hey Yoyo, hang in there and don't beat yourself up. Too bad if your Mum is disappointed, she's not in your shoes, so it doesn't really matter.

It is all very well to say you just do blah blah blah and blah, but in real life this is really hard, and one of the hardest things most of us will have to deal with.

Hey tomorrow is another day. Just a thought, to avoid temptation, maybe you can make sure that you are satisfied IFKWIM before the phonecalls so easier to resist H's proposals. So get yourself online and order something with plain paper bag delivery, and you won't even be tempted.

Hang in there.

[yoyogirl]

KDU/Kismet - *sigh* I just want to hug you two and cry my eyes out. I am feeling really really sh*tty. I did just send him an email...along the lines that you (Kim) has suggested. Told him that it's really hard, and I accept the fact that he doesn't want the M anymore, and I need to learn to LET GO. I just need his cooperation to not contact me for reasons other than about the boys. Told him that we are going round and round in circles. Also mentioned that I don't think he will ever be able to tell ow... *sigh* I really feel like an empty void. I feel sick. *sigh* I just want to scream and cry my eyes out...I don't know how to feel or what to do anymore...

[kaydeekay]

Awe Yoyo...I'm sending hugs your way. Go ahead and scream and cry your eyes out. I think you will feel so much better, and please don't beat yourself down.

The next time H tries to texts you with nasty texts, how about turning your cell off? This way you won't be so tempted to text back. And if he rings you at home, tell him you are busy and have him to talk to the boys.

[SweetRedd]

Oh Yoyo.. BIG HUGGS to you! I'm sorry you're having such a hard time emotionally right now. I agree with the other posts, don't beat yourself up for giving into temptation with H. I'm having a hard time here because I'd love to have sex with my H, but I know it's unhealthy. I gave in a month ago, and felt like you did after... HORRIBLE. I captured those feelings and whenever he's being flirty, I remember how awful I felt to have sex with someone that I don't have a healthy intimate R with. Remember how bad you feel today and you don't have to put yourself through this again unless you want to do it and will feel good after. It does help me alot to make sure I'm taking care of my physical needs, and it has cut down the temptation a bunch. Of course it's not the same, but I don't have to worry about feeling like I've backslid after.

Good luck sweetie. Your friends on the BB are thinking of you and care more than you know!

Sheila

[kml]

Yo -
I'm going to ask you to take a step back and ask yourself, exactly what do you want? Because you seem to be REacting a lot, but I'm not sure you understand where it is you want to go.

Do you still hope for H to give up OW and come back to the marriage? If so, then I would not cut off the sex. As long as he is thinking about and enjoying phone sex with you, he is getting closer to you and farther from her (men have sex to get close, women want to be close before they have sex).

Are you trying to push H into a decision by telling him you are done? Normally I wouldn't object to this in your sitch, but you DID tell him he had until January, so now this seems really pushy on your part because you aren't living up to your word. Better to just let him get jealous and think you might be going out and having fun and worry that you might meet another guy, than to push up your ultimatum.

Are you frightened of being disappointed so you're pushing him away first to try to lessen the pain by controlling the sitch? Common reaction, but kind of biting off your nose to spite your face. You're not SURE you'll win him, so you'll end the uncertainty by making sure you lose him???

Or are you just deciding that you don't want him anymore and aren't up to the tough work of reconciliation? That would be a reasonable conclusion, but I don't get the sense that's where you are coming from.

In order to get somewhere, you need to figure out where you want to go. Where DO you want to go, Yo?

Ellie

[KimDownUnder]

Yoyo there is a key question in the above post.
'WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO WITH THIS MARRIAGE"

I think you need to do that, now this is my opinion and others may think I am crazy but in order to work that out I believe you need limited contact with H by this I mean do not instigate contact. If he contacts you be pleasant but firm in what you have already said so basically be nice but if he hasn't told OW then just continue on your own path.

If he says he has told OW then maybe ask him what he thinks he wants to do now.

This way you are not being pushy but you are standing your ground and hopefully working out what you really want.

I am so sorry you a feeling really bad and we can all offer advice but all sitch's are different and you are the only one who truly knows what will work for you.

Goodluck ((((((YoYo)))))))).....KDU

[yoyogirl]

KDK/KDU/Piglet/KML - Thanks for all the hugs!!! I hear all of you... I really think that my name really suits me to a TEE... After my last post, I did have a chat with my gf and she said "Stick to your guns! Fair is fair - you did give him till January. Why are you giving up now" which did give me a knock on my head. I went off to send H another email... (I know I know...reacting vs thinking things through thoroughly) to tell him that I did give him till January and I was sorry to dump him that LOOOOONG email about my confusion blah blah blah. No reply from him. Later that night, sent him some texts....no reply at all. I sent him another text (I know that it sounds sacarstic...) " Hey! I know you've reeled me into your web last night already, and can ignore me now...but can I at least know that you are alive?"
His reply came a couple of hours later.
H: Just came out of workshop. Going dinner with gang now. Sorry. No phone.
Me: Okay..you are alive. Then I don't need to go collect the $$ from the insurance.
H: So fast want me to die already? Call me now if U can. Will speak to boys.
Me: Leave or Die...Mourning process is the same. Plus I get the $$ from insurance :-) Call you at 8 pm. Boys are changing now..
Then, I got a call from H ...he spoke to the boys...and then to me. We had a very "cheeky" sacarstic type of convo... He was with his work ppl and didn't really want to talk ...but I don't know what got into me, but was joking about me being entangled in his web blah blah blah..Then ended the call..
Then there were text exchanges between us... Can't remember what I wrote but H's responses..
H: You r so noisy. I'm at dinner. Go sleep. Nite nite. (can't remember what was this response to)
H: Yes, u r better in many aspects. Talk to u some other time. ...In front of boss. (this was in response to me texting that I am more beautiful, smarter, kinder, lovelier, better body blah blah blah)
H: I know...and I appreciate that. bye!!! (This was because I said "One thing I forgot..You are such an as@hole that it is a real marvel that I can still have feelings for you)

Then some time passed... I sent H another text "Boys told me you will be back next weekend. That means you won't be back for Xmas? Yes, I forgot. You have other obligations. Just that I need to find an excuse to explain to the boys". ( I know..I know...I am pushing him awaaayyyyyy)
H then replied "I'll be in Country X for Xmas n New Year. Boss is going away for 3 weeks and I am standing in for him. Planning to invite all of u over...talk to u later. ...with bosses now".
I didnt' reply to this text.

This morning, got in and saw that H has replied to my previous email. He said "Okay. Okay. I won't contact you until I sort myself out. Sorry for everything".
Me: Don't think you will ever sort yourself out. I did give you till January. And I will keep my word. Then, I will sort it out for you. Meanwhile, I will go with your monkeying around till January. You did give me 'permission' to speak to her then. So please don't go back on your word".

Also sent him an email with some pix of the boys..taken in Phuket (which he didn't come along...)

Anyway, I think KDU is right in the sense that I should not make any contacts. And when he does, I will be pleasant and NOT push him away. I know my previous emails and texts have been somewhat sacarstic and would do very well in PUSHING him away... *sigh* Yes Yes... time to control myself...

I had some problems with S8 this morning... which hopefully will be sorted out...

I think KML has provided a lot of questions to GUIDE me as to where I should be heading...I DO know what I want,...just that I am REacting so much that I LOSE focus on my primary goal...

Do you still hope for H to give up OW and come back to the marriage?
A BIG YES....

Then I would not cut off the sex. As long as he is thinking about and enjoying phone sex with you, he is getting closer to you and farther from her (men have sex to get close, women want to be close before they have sex).
Okay...I hear you. This is along with Michelle's advice that we should utilize whatever "connection" that we can still maintain with our WAS. And I would have to say that he does still have the hots for me... I see that even if he does "choose" to be with ow, he would still have this yearning for me (I know I sound a bit big-headed...but ow really absolutely has no b**bs...and H is a b**b guy...) I could easily manipulate him with this...question is whether do I want to do this post-January?? He will be back next weekend...so will see if he makes the first move....I don't think I want to make the first move though...perhaps maybe innocently parade myself in THAT dress..

Are you trying to push H into a decision by telling him you are done? Normally I wouldn't object to this in your sitch, but you DID tell him he had until January, so now this seems really pushy on your part because you aren't living up to your word.
Yes..Yes... I've been told by my gf... So, I did send him an email to somewhat apologize and say that I will give him till Jan and I will keep to my word.

Better to just let him get jealous and think you might be going out and having fun and worry that you might meet another guy, than to push up your ultimatum
Point taken...Unfortunately, my social calender this weekend looks a bit drab...may have to fabricate something.... *Putting on thinking cap*...

Are you frightened of being disappointed so you're pushing him away first to try to lessen the pain by controlling the sitch?
Yes...I think this is VERY VERY true. This is exactly what is happening with me...

You're not SURE you'll win him, so you'll end the uncertainty by making sure you lose him???
Yes...sounds like a really stupid thing to do, huh? Okay, I get the drift...Just don't know how I can put my nose back onto my face...

Or are you just deciding that you don't want him anymore and aren't up to the tough work of reconciliation? That would be a reasonable conclusion, but I don't get the sense that's where you are coming from.

You are right, Ellie... I do want him. I do know the HARD work of reconciliation...and I do want to have my M back.

I do know where I want to go.... I guessed I just have to swallow my pride, put away my fears of disappointment and hurt, and put on my DBING hat....

What would I do without this BB???? THANK YOU gals!!! and Guys!!!

One Day at a TIME!!!!

[yoyogirl]

From my last post...

Was trying to get back to the DBING wagon... (have to say...not very successful...)Sent H a text.
Me: So, do you want me to fill up those School application forms? Also, do you want us to fly over to Country X this weekend?
H: Please fill up the forms. I'm going to Country Y this Sund morning, and will be there till Tuesday. I've booked my flight back for next weekend.
Me: Okay. Can you see that S8's school report is on your desk? Or do you want me to get new copies? Also, they would need to see a doc for the medical report too.
H: Will look for it this week. Don't do the medical thingy yet.
Me: Forget about those forms them. Cause the medical forms are together with the application forms. Up to you. When u have decided what you want, then u do it. I don't want to drag the boys into our drama of a soap opera.
H: Just want u to fill the form. The medical check will come later. I wanna submit the forms next week.

I didn't reply to this latest text. I really don't know what he is up to. Asking me to fill half the forms and leave out the other forms?? WTF is he trying to do, I really don't know. But I am going to just swallow all this, fill up those d@mn half-past-six forms and send them to him. Up to him WTF he wants to do with them...send them to the school or chuck it away or blame me that it is incomplete... up to him... I am really trying to retain my composure and continue to DBING as best I can. I can tell you it is really really d@mn d@mn hard. WTF! WTF! WTF! Gonna continue venting after work today..going drinking with some coworkers...need to let off some steam.

One HOUR at a TIME!!!!

[hopefloats7]

yoyogirl,

I understand how frustrating it is; it is hard to know what they are thinking half the time.
Do I understand it correctly that you are spending New Year's with him? If so, that's great.
I am having just as much difficulty DB'ing lately. In my case, it's because things were turning around (I thought) and H. was making all kinds of comments about coming back; his A. with o.w. was really on the rocks and he came to our house in the middle of the night last Sat. eve. Told me he'd made a huge mistake, etc.
So, back and forth, back and forth. I keep hoping it will burn out. I'm so exhausted from all this; I'm sure you are, too.
Sounds like your H. still maintains good contact with you; that is a huge plus. Keep up the good work, and the cute text messages!