KDK/Kismet - I am soooo ashamed of myself I gave in to the naughty texts and we ended up having phone s@x again. I am sooooooo confused now. *sigh*

Has he told you how he was going to end the relationship?
No. He has not. He has not mentioned anything further about that. I think the cycle has re-started again...of him running back and off again once he's "caught" me in his web again. I should have been stronger willed. I am really rather disappointed with myself. *sigh*

I can see you are starting to tire of all this
I am. I am. I think I need some professional help to help me to really LET GO.... I kept being reeled back in over and over again, and the cycle starts again. I really don't see how we can get out of this rut...unless I am strong enough. H certainly is not strong at all.... *sigh*

Journalling...
From my last post...Allowed the boys to sleep in my room. We had little chats before bedtime, and the boys were telling me all their naughty antics that drove my dad crazy. I thought they were really cute... I guessed I made the mistake of sending a text to H to share details about the boys...(which I thought was the right thing to do, and I guessed only parents can have that kind of "rush" to hear that kind of stuff about their kids..) Anyway, not long later, H texted "In a bar with my boss. Will be taking over his place in June. Like I said, if nothing is going well in my life, I am [censored] hot in my career".
Me: Congratulations!!! I don't think anybody ever doubted your capabilities in your career. I am really happy for you. I really wish you further successes and happiness. I really hope you are happy and contented now. Nite.
Next thing...H called. I knew it could only be him. I made S5 answer the phone since he was still up. S5 spoke to him and then said "What? You want to talk to mommy??" and then passed the phone over to me.
Me: Hi!
H: How come S5 is still up?
Me: We were just chatting.
H: With whom?
Me: Me.
H: What about? Tell me...tell me...tell me (grinning away)
Me: Stuff...why don't you ask him yourself.
Passed the phone back to S5.S5 spoke to him for a bit and again "Huh? You want to speak to mommy again? Okay.." and passed the phone back to me again. Some "how are you" questions "are you okay?" and then asked if I have sent the school application forms. I said NO. And he was gonna say "Please do so soon.." and then S5 was playing with the phone, and the line was cut-off and put-on and cut-off again. Had to stop S5 from doing that...took a while, and when the line was back on properly, our convo was different..Proceeded with questions about my plunging neckline dress...How low was it? Was your cleavage exposed? Was it short? Asked if I "entertained" myself. *sigh* I was brushing off his questions with "You don't need to know" and he was like "Tell me...tell me pleeaaseee". *sigh* And then told me to go to the other room and we could have phone s@x and I said "No! This is not healthy for us. Bye and Good Night" and then ended the call.
Not long later, got a text from H...
H: It's not healthy if we are gonna go our separate ways. But we are NOT. I still fantasize f**king u on ur [censored][censored]
Me: Please stop. I really don't think this is healthy for either for us or her. Please go take a cold shower or call her. (Yes, I did ask him to contact her....)
H: (oblivious to my text) Start f**gering urself now, and then [censored]. Call me when ready.
Me: Please stop. Nite Nite.
H: Just make it w*t. Then go to the other room and sit on the chair. Spread ur leg wide open over the table. then call me!! I wanna [censored][censored]
H: Just do it...i wanna hear u moan and be f**ked. Can't wait to stick my [censored][censored] Call me now!!!
H: go to the other room and spread ur [censored][censored] Call me...I'm gonna c*m soon.
[censored]! we ended up having about half an hour of phone s@x. After that, I said "[censored]! Told you it was a bad idea". H said "But we didn't do anything, what??!??" God! I am in such a mess!!!!!!

This morning, woke up and felt really really lousy about myself and sent him a text to tell him that we REALLY REALLY need to stop all this. No reply, but then got a message on my mobile that i have a missed call from H at 8.30 am. I went to my mom's. Confessed to my mom that I was soooo weak that I gave in and I still have so much feelings for H that it is really difficult to deal with. If I am to let go...I really can't continue to have any such contacts with H. Really f**ks my brain up!!!! I really really am confused!!!!!!

Drove to work...H called.
H: Wow...your text is really long.
He sounded sleepy.
Me: You are still in bed?
Line was kinda bad ....and I said that I couldn't hear him and he was quick to say "okay, bye then".

Few minutes later...another call from H.
H: What do you see on the phone caller ID when I call? Do you see my number?
Me: Sometimes I see the complete number. SOmetimes just some funny codes. WHy?
H: Nothing...Just wondering. Cause sometimes you don't want to answer my calls.
Me: I don't think there's much point to answer.
H: Oh. Okay. Bye then.
Me: Bye.

So...WTF? In short, I am in a mess!!!! I am like a dog going round and round in circles trying to bite my own tail...I don't see much that I can do...Just have to booost up my willpower and minimize whatever contacts with H. *sigh*... Really really in a mess!!! Think my mom is also rather disappointed with my willpower... Gawd....This is [censored] hard!!!!