Blueman/KDK - DOn't worry about me....I know I am not DBING...but feel this is the route that I must take...(As for self-respect...I have great respect for myself..don't worry...I also have great esteem for myself...I have a good job, look good, have great friends, and support...it's just that I hold great value over my marriage and family, that the little "negatives" that you guys feel that I am compromising...is really nothing. I really don't feel stepped-on like a doormat...
Journalling…
Monday PM: Had dinner and was chatting with an old friend of my mom’s when out of the blue, S8 came by and bit my breast! I was aghast and shocked!!!! Immediately, I gave him a whack and screamed at him and sent him away. Later, as I calmed down, I went to talk to S8. I was very calm and asked him if he knew what he did. And he solemnly said ‘Yes’ and I asked him if he knows exactly what he did. He answered with a “I don’t want to say. I know it’s bad”. We had more discussions on this, and S8 was sobbing and said “I don’t know… I know something is missing. I don’t know what it is”. I finally asked “Are you missing your daddy?” And he said “Yes. I miss my daddy. I want him to call me everyday and see me every two weeks”. At his moment, he was sobbing quite uncontrollably. I tried to calm him down, and tried calling H. NO ANSWER on his mobile. After numerous tries. I just sent him a text “Call me now”. And he did call about 5 min later. I spoke to him calmly and told him that S8 is starting to miss him, and think he doesn’t know how to express it, and is coming out in all sorts of weird ways…for one, biting my boob tonight. I passed the line to his son, and S8 was like sobbing into the phone to H. Later, I handed the line to S5 to talk and S5 just ended the call without handing it back to me. H called again and just told me that he would come over to see the boys the next day. After talking to H, S8 did calm down and was relatively cheered up. I am rather concerned by this show of aggressive behaviour tonight. For one, S8 was NEVER one to bite…even when he was younger. (S5 – yes..used to bite ppl for fun when he was younger). And Two, S8 VERY VERY well know that that’s considered “private” and it’s a BIG NO NO..and yet he did it. I may have to find a child psychologist on hand..in case this gets worse. *sigh*
Ten minutes later, I got a text from H “Tell him everything will be ok. Nite Nite”. I didn’t reply to this. 45 minutes later, got another text from H “Just read S8’s mail. Feel lousy now. That mail and him crying really hit me. Talk to you tomorrow. And I love you too. Don’t worry. Nite nite”. I replied “This is just a thought, but of course up to you. You could stay with the boys tonight at our house. 3 of you sleeping together. The boys will be thrilled if you throw in a visit to the fun fair. You can use my car. Love Wifey” (I would be away for work on Tuesday) H then replied “If all goes well, I need you to come to Country X in the next 2 to 3 weeks to look for school for the boys. I’ll call you tomorrow to talk about this. Love you too…” Didn’t reply to this too. I have to say that I felt a little sentimental about these this text, but was quick to tell myself that this could be just another empty talk. Plus…he used the IF word…so, things could always NOT go well. *sigh*
Tuesday: H called me up about 7.40 am. Told me that he had just arrived, and will do his stuff and then get the boys from my mom’s and take them for lunch. Inquired about my whereabouts (I just started on my drive to my work site). Talked a little bit about S8. I told him that friends are saying that S8 is showing some aggressive behavior and could be that he was missing his dad., and didn’t know how to express in a proper manner. H also said that he won’t be staying the night. He has a flight back to Country X later today. And H tried to “redeem” himself of not being able to stay with the boys by telling me that he’ll buy the boys PSP. I was quick to say No. As it is, I have trouble prying him off his PS2 and computer games and the gameboys, and I don’t need another …. Then H okay, he won’t. Then we said our byes.
About an hour later, H called me on my mobile again. He was already at my mom’s place (my parents are away). Told me that the queue at the registration office was mega long, so he decided to defer that to later. H mentioned that he’s brought back the portable DVD player for the boys, and had bought a Polo Tee for my dad from his recent trip to the States. H then said he spoke to S8 and he is fine. Watching telly. S8 told him that “I’m getting crazy. I don’t know why”…H coax him further and S8 told him that friends has been teasing him at school. H further told me that he gave S8 some advice and S8 started laughing. H said that he would take the boys out for lunch. H then told me that he would need to go to London for a week long course at the end of the month…course starts 28th. Well, I was gonna ask him if he wanted to join us on our Phuket holiday…just as well I didn’t…he couldn’t have been able to make it anyway. We chatted about this impending trip, and I was trying to sound positive by saying “this is good.” I know it sounds lame, but couldn’t find anything else nicer to say.
At about 2.00 pm… H called again. Told me that one of his best pals has invited the boys and I to his baby’s party this Saturday. Told him Okay. Said he bought “Bionicles” for the boys (yup!! Trying to buy love with stuff??!!!? Soothe his own guilt??) I asked him what time his flight was… and he said “later this evening. I’ve asked your mom’s friend to take me to the train station.”
At about 6.30 pm. Called H on his mobile. Inquired about his flight…and he said that he’s already in Country Y, and will be flying off to Country X about 8 pm. Asked about my whereabouts again, and then he was like “I got to go…I got to go..” don’t know rushing to where… I did send him a text about 7 pm, which had nothing to do with us…just gave him a piece of news about his company….no reply. Sent him Did a "test call" about 9.50 pm and there was a ring. I quickly hung up, and knew that he couldn't be on the plane on the way back to Country X.... I have to say all sorts of things went over my mind, ASSuming the worst...about H with OW etc etc... I calmed myself down, and sent him a text "What time is your flight? Or r u flying off tmrw? Anyway, just had a massage, going to bed now. Nite nite. Take care. Btw, did you call the boys to wish them good night? Love Wifey" No reply from H...
About 3.30 am on Wednesday, got a text from H "Just woke up. Jet lagged. Spoke to S8 last night"
About 7.50 am, H called me. H: Still sleeping? Me: Yeah...sort of just woke up. H: Have a flight to catch this morning. The flight last night was sooo full. Didn't manage to fly last night. Had to stay in the airport hotel. Me: Oh... H: Anyway, I just want to tell you that I will be registering the boys at the schools these few days... Me: I thought the school is full? H: Yeah..but still have to do the registration.. Me: Oh ( I know..I sound like a dummy) H: Well, I have more or less decided okay? Besides, you are not giving me a choice, right? Me: Well, I just don't want you to make the wrong decision. H: What makes you think that choosing her will be the wrong decision. Me: Blah blah blah...are you gonna get angry now? H: Do I sound angry? ANyway, I just have to think of an exit strategy. Me: You haven't told her? H: No. Anyway, I've more or less decided. (WHat's with this more or less business???) Me: Will she be okay? I Had a dream last night that some woman went to school and grabbed S5. H: She won't. She's more afraid of you doing something. Me: I know I won't. But my mom is dying to do something if you do go to her... (I know this is like a threat...) H: Anyway, Will you have a job in Country X? Did you talk to your boss? Do you want to talk to your boss? Or do you want to wait? Me: My boss will be away these few days.. I'll see when to talk to him. We said our byes..
Then our barrage of text exchanges.. Me: Anyway, you can't live without my w*t tongue and c**t. Anyway, can the spare room be converted to a home office? Love Wifey. H: Might move to a bigger house IF all is ok. (What's with this IFs again with these WAS???) How would you know that she doesnt have a w*t c**t as well? You are such a horny girl. Me: WIth my raging hormones, I am unbeatable in the horny & w*t c**t department. Besides, my c**t is custom-sized to fit your sh**t. H: Well, lose a bit of weight and you will be perfect. But i have to say you are really f**k of my life. Had a dream about two men b**ging you last night. Made me really horny. Me: Ha ha ha... well, your two men will have to remain a dream. Don't think I can manage that. H: (Here is some mismatch...because H was also texting the same time...) I'm not concern for myself. I'm more concern for her feelings than anything else. Like i said, we do have plans and now with one stroke, i have to strike it off. Me: Sorry to say but when play with fire, someone is going to get burned. Sorry to say that it would either be her or boys&me. As you said that I didn't give you any choice, maybe you could use me as your exit strategy. Tell her your wife is screaming, ranting and raving like crazy. And would go scream at her work place, go to her house and announce to the neighbours..(actually, this happened to a guy at PQR company..) H:She knows you have class and won't do that. Me: Class or no class...when push comes to shove...who knows what a woman can do. Anyway, leave the exit strategy to you. Surely, your training at P and Q companies would be helpful in coming up with strategies. I wish you strength and courage to tell her. Don't be scared, okay? Lots of Love, Wifey and boys. xxx"
This latest text just got delivered (H was on the plane...) so, I have yet to receive a reply on that... As I can see...
POSITIVES… * He is “realizing” impact on his kids * H saying ILY twice * H contacting more frequently * H feeling “at ease” to go to my Mom’s house, and using her car * H buying a gift for my dad. * H feeling “at ease” to ask my mom’s friend for favors * H not adverse to my continuing contact with HIS friends. * Our convo has been pleasant so far… * H is "wanting" us to join him in Country X * H thinking of an exit from OW (is this really true??)
From what I see now, OW may be coming up with funny tactics to stop this breakup between her and H. She may be so distraught and be the damsel in distres.. threaten suicide? What happens then? What's the normal reaction of the WAS when this happens??
WHAT's the advice from wise DBers??
One Day at a TIME!!! Hopeful...but a bit cautious....
