So how pitiful is this -just got off XH's church web page to see if I could get a glimpse of what's going on with him (and her) - I know - sad, sad. That kind of thing sneaks in in between my thoughts about moving far far away and actually getting excited about it. I keep seeing Autin, Texas in my future - I'm able to visualize it, imagine myself there, and it's been so long since I've allowed myself to hope or dream or fantasize anything that I think this might mean something. Do I have a job there? No. Do I know of any jobs there? No. Do I know what I would want to do there? No. But I do know it's closer to my Texas and Georgia relatives, as opposed to being totally alone up here in New Jersey. I hate it here - and yet I could have lived here forever and loved it if it were with him.
But it's not.
I did some useful work last week - this will be a tough one - pray for me. I cleaned, did laundry, deep conditioned hair, paid bill today. Didn't go to church but at least I didn't waste the day totally. I am glad to say that I have a stronger spiritual practice now, a deeper relationship with God, than I did before the BOMB. And....if that's what it took to bring me into clearer focus, then thanks, XH for dumping me for a younger woman after telling me and all your friends what a wonerful wife I was. You're right - it WAS a good thing I couldn't have kids because of the heartbreak they'd be dealing with now. I feel terrible for not trying harder in the ways that I know I failed, and I pray you can forgive me someday - you were right to not want to live that way the rest of your life. I pray I can forgive myself.
Hey! So I feel like I've made some progress here! Sorry to drag you down into my rambling, dear reader. Feels like it might be time to do "the letter" that I've read about...I wonder.