So I ended up going to my sister's for Christmas. Had a good time with family - tension in her house with a husband who drinks too much but overall a nice time, and certainly better than being here by myself all week. Came back Friday before New Year's - they wanted me to stay for New Year's but somehow I wanted to be back here. The week before I got to thinking about "oh no - all alone on New Year's Eve - how pitiful - you should be with your family!!!" and almost changed my plans, but then I got to thinking that my sister and her husband might want to be alone, finally have an empty house before they had to go back to work after having a house full of people all week, and I needed some time to regroup before going back to work myself, and I wanted to go to church, so I came back. Glad I did.
The Friday before I left I finally told my boss I was thinking about leaving so I could move south. It would have been better if it had not come up in the context of him talking to me about my poor job performace! but in any case I feel like a huge weight off my shoulders. We're supposed to talk again about it soon - please pray for me.
Came home today to the cable and internet cut off. XH has been paying it and even if he wanted to I knew that eventually he shouldn't because he doesn't live here anymore. He also pays the phone bill so we'll see.... He's in school so he really shouldn't. It's ridiculous that I make the money I do and can't pay bills like this. I'm using good old dial-up for the internet now (for as long as I can afford that, because the credit card that I use to pay it is about to be canceled! Oh well). I don't get any kind of tv reception so my usual habit of leaving the tv on all night is gone. I've decided to think of that as God forcing me into quietness to hear his voice so I can get a clue about what I'm supposed to be doing for my future.
I am honestly a bit frightened about my financial situation but I really can't stop being thankful for what I do have. I am so thankful for my family and other people who love and support me that I haven't descended into the depths of despair. I'm thankful for my new church. I'm resigned to my credit card being canceled and have let go of the pride associated with that. I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head (as long as I can come up with this month's rent!). I feel so much lighter now that I've put it out there that I won't have to spend another winter up here it's amazing.
I also know that I'm in a better place from reading the inspiration on this board - so many people who show me that you can make it through. I am blessed.
