It's a little pitiful but I gotta get my hope where I can: today I went to my neighborhood library where I haven't been in about a year.
Big deal? Yeah, to me. That library is where XH held the first business meetings of the church that he founded this year, where I was so excited to see him finally getting to live his calling. I haven't been able to face going since he left - the memories, the chance I might see a church member. Started going to another branch 30 minutes away. But there was a new release I really wanted to read (and since I'm economizing buying it's out of the question) and it was only at this branch. So I went today and got the book.
There's something momentous there. I guess. I'm sad but I haven't sobbed yet.
On another note - Dilemma: I've already bought a ticket to fly south to spend Christmas with my sister, who really, really wants me to be there and even offered to help pay for the ticket, which they cannot afford to do (I can't afford it either but I bought it anyway). But just found out that my dog walker (kid from down the street) is going to be out of town. I can't pay for boarding for my dog, and I can't afford to hire a professional pet sitter. XH has always offered to take care of the dog if I need. I haven't talked to him in weeks. He's stopped calling to check on me and see how I'm doing. Last time he took care of the dog for me his OW called him during the times that he was here - hurt to see her number on my caller i.d. when I got back - we had a blow up about it - my fault for reacting but I was still fantasizing at that point about coming home from the trip and him coming back to me. At this point, seems like my options are to cancel the trip and pay the ticket penalty but get some credit for a future ticket - disappoint my sister and spend the holiday at home, alone, and absolutely, quite literally broke. OR, ask XH to take care of the dog - call him out of the blue, risk having him say no anyway or having to hear about his plans with his new family.
A good friend reminded me that Christmas is only one day to get through anyway.
Makes me think about the Christmases that I left him alone to spend with my mom and sister in our hometown after we came up here - not every year, a couple - and that he encouraged me to go, refused to come with me, denied that he wanted me to stay when I asked. I guess since my mom died not too long after we did move up here I'm grateful for those times, since she really loved the holidays. But it hurts to think about whether those times I left hurt him. And it hurts to think that maybe he was hoping I'd stay even while he said not to - but then it pisses me off to think that he was "testing" me like that - just like I wonder about the church events (before he started his own) that he went to without me at the church he hated - when I asked him to please tell me if he wanted me to join him at the things he was complaining about going to, asked him to please tell me because I didn't know. I honestly thought he meant it all those times he said "I don't want to be there so I wouldn't make you go, too - but you can come if you want, I don't care."
Okay - this probably isn't productive. Going to go hug the dog now and see if he has any answers...
