So, thank goodness Thanksgiving is over. Went south to spend it with my sister - a colleague/friend urged me to please not spend it alone. And I'm glad I did. Won't be able to afford another ticket for Christmas, but it looks like I might be able to enjoy time with my new church on that day.
I've been good about not calling XH (no one has filed anything but he's not my H anymore so why bother with the STB). I have wanted to so much - some things going on at my job that I would love to talk with him about, really neat things with this church that I know he'd be interested in. But I haven't called. He called me before I left for Thanksgiving to offer to drive me the hour to the airport, saying he'd understand if it would be too difficult for me to be with him. Then he called the morning I left to see if the train was working out and if I needed a ride after all. And then he called my cell phone the night I got back to see if I wanted a ride home from the airport. Each time I said no, but thank you and it was really really sweet of him to offer. Not taking him up on his offer cost me about an extra hundred dollars in parking and train tickets and almost a full day of travel by trains, but it was the right thing to do, right? And I know I can't trust myself to be all sunny and oh my life is wonderful without you around him and so as much as I long for him the thought of being in a car with him for an hour at a time kills me - good grief this stuff is all so NUTS!!!!! And you know what goes through my mind - what if he was going to ask to come back on the ride to the airport? What if he ran back to OW after I refused his offer? And then I remind myself that I can't function like that. And then I come back to this board although I've sworn off it because clearly I didn't bust any divorce and I need to just get over it.
ANYway....this week I need to work on finding a new therapist - someone who can help me work through decisions about moving, finding a new job, work through my guilt and anxiety, work through the grief in this year of my life that would have been the absolute last chance we had to try to have a baby because of my age.....
Well, off to bed to try to go to sleep again - anxiety about money and work keep me tossing, tears about my M keep me turning....this week I will - go to gym twice - start calling new therapists - ask my boss about a better work schedule for the next 3 months - reach out to one friend to ask for prayers/advice - meet with pastor and new church for prayers/advice
