So I haven't been here in a while......have fallen off, gotten back on several wagons...right now need some advice on a couple of things - take your pick:
1. At work, I fight the urge every day to quit. No, I don't have another job, any savings other than my company's contributions to my retirement, don't know where I'd go except south, where my entire family is now that I no longer have any reason to be up here after following my STBXH here - I just don't want to be here another year - preferably I'd like to be gone by Easter so the reminder of that humiliation won't be so near at least. So I know that I'm not going to be around if I can help it, and I feel guilty not telling my boss. He's also well-connected and could help me perhaps. The other thing is that our company president is retiring and it's between my boss and a big rival of his. I think my boss is the better choice, but there's nothing wrong with the other guy. ANYway, if my boss gets appointed, and then I tell him I'm leaving, don't know where, etc., I don't want it to seem that I'm leaving because of who got picked - and vice versa, if the other guy gets picked, I don't want anyone to think I'm leaving because of that. And I have another colleague who's leaving and he'll have to be looking for her replacement in the office, and knowing I'm on my way out should inform the search, too. So I'm feeling massive guilt - at the core, from just knowing that I don't plan to be around when we talk about "next year, we'll..." So I want to tell him every day. But a friend of mine said I should just be quiet and protect my job, because after all, I'm still not in any position to negotiate given my recent work performance (is there a word for people at work going through a painful divorce? Instead of "rainmaker", "tearmaker" instead? Instead of "rock star", "falling star"?) I'm trying to listen to the universe for signs of what to do...so far they're saying "where you are is wrong" - in September, my boss told me I had to start coming in to the office earlier and on more days of the week. Two weeks after he said that, my train station started building a parking garage, taking 400 spaces out of commission, so now I have to drive 25 extra minutes each way, ride the train 10 extra minutes each way, and pay either $5 more a day for parking in a deck to wander around in at night when I come home or $8 more a day to park in the street level lot, and don't forget the extra $4 on the train ticket for the extra distance.
So at the very least I want to go in this week and ask, at least for the next 3 months, if I can work 2 days a week at home, especially since I have a lot of writing to do. What do you think? And should I say anything about my vague plan to leave? I'm certain that I don't want to be here in another year, just don't know anything beyond that, don't want him to fire me on the spot, but I don't want to feel this guilt anymore....
#2 - I can't stop things said between STBXH and me running through my head. One thing in particular that we both misunderstood was the timing of when I discovered what kinds of message from OW to him - he kept saying at the end of us that I didn't approach him about anything until I'd seen her emails and I told him that wasn't true - but I realize it was. I DID see some of her emails that added to me talking to him about how they might be seen as inappropriate and how that would have to stop if he was serious about being a pastor. But the ones I think he's talking about - that were in other folders and were much moreserious and made clear they were in a relationship - I didn't see those until later. I don't even know why that matters to me...maybe I don't want him to think that it only meant something when I saw how serious it was, that I didn't care enough about him before. I don't know. I'm not supposed to care at this point, right? I almost sent him a message with that clarification tonight, and telling him that he didn't have to respond. This week when I was late going into the city after getting in from the aiport really late I called him to give him a message from my answering machine. When I got home that night he had left in my kitchen my favorite sandwich from a local deli with a note written on the package that said "I love you 2! You sounded sick." I am not proud that I cut that out of the package and have it sitting in my bedroom now.
