Just saying hi. I don't really have anything to add to this convo except to say that I have come to respect the church's position on stuff like birth control and MB because if nothing else it forces couples to COMMUNICATE about their SL. If one has to avoid the fertile window in order to keep from conceiving and if one has nowhere to turn for satisfaction except to their spouse then that leaves people to take responsibility for their SL. KWIM? I'm not a Pollyanna. It is problematic. Hence, the problem that you are having. How to discuss/negotiate the continued issues in frequency disparity. You are doing a great job. I like Blackfoot's suggestion about alternating. Sometimes it is difficult to employ "reasonable" and "fair" solutions like that because we all want our SL to be this spontaneous, desire filled, erotic experience rather than a mark on a calendar but it could work.
The question rattling around my head the past few days is why do I want "this spontaneous, desire filled, erotic experience", is it something that is supposed to be there in our relationships, or is it something that the secular society has put in our minds as some ideal to achieve, even if it is not necessarily what God intended? Are we too busy looking at what the media etc says others have to notice what we have in our own relationships? Is this the little devil standing on our shoulders trying to goad us into adultery? I certainly don't have the answers, but in my current state of recovering from dontgivashititis, I can't help but to wonder about these questions. I am comfortable and happy in my relationship with MrsGGB except in the sexual desire department. Why is that something I want so much? Is it just because I'm being greedy thinking that it is something that perhaps others have more of? See, I often hear comments from others saying they wish they had the type of R MrsGGB and I have. I have had a hard time seeing the good in our R because I have been so focused on what it is not rather than what it is. I am still feeling like communication is a key to growing closer together be is sexually or otherwise.
Ah well, just ruminating a bit. Still trying to sort all this out.
IMPO we often want what we think others have. To other people you and MrsGGB probably look idyllic. My H also looks like the idyllic H to other people...but those people don't know what goes on behind closed doors...or in our case doesn't.
For me, I'm not striving for something I've been told should be in a R. I'm striving for something I need to have, in order to feel validated by my partner. Do I need absolute passion in my M every day...no, but I do need validation in a manner that is meaningful to me. That could come in the form of sex, that could come in the form of loving words or affectionate touches. I am not however foolish enough to believe that what is often portrayed in the movies or on television is what a happy M is made of.
I still maintain that "happy", "normal", or "fulfilling" is defined by the two people in the R. What works for you, may not work for me, and vice-versa.
That's just my take on it though Interesting question.
The fulfillment brought about by an intense, loving sexual/emotional connection is not something cooked up and foisted off on us by the media. Read love poetry in any language and from any era you choose-- Shakespeare, the Song of Solomon, MoTown-- love and physice union with the beloved is something universally desired and valued. This is something human beings crave as part of their nature. The Kabbalah (Jewish mysticism) believes that the place you come closest to experiencing the bliss of union with God is in the sexual union of a married couple who are truly one in body and soul. This isn't something we can talk ourselves out of wanting (goodness knows I've tried ).
You took the words right out of my mouth Lillie. GEL is right that sexual/emotional fulfillment can vary wildly between different couples, but that basic need is present in virtually everyone. I think that TV is pandering to that need, not creating it.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I often hear comments from others saying they wish they had the type of R MrsGGB and I have. I have had a hard time seeing the good in our R because I have been so focused on what it is not rather than what it is.
I think this is a common trait in most of us. As example there are LD people on this board that are now the HD in there relationships. Both ways there relationship was/is unsatisfying to them in some aspect. A few have great relationships in my opinion in other areas of what a relationship involves. Some I could almost envy for what they have. I wish I had these things and yet I do not really have the sexual issues in my relationship that I see others have. I think it is human nature to find discontent in our lives. To want what others have and to measure what we see and find ourselfs or lives somewhat lacking. I think MRS NOP as she is now on this board is the closes that I have ever seen as being completely satisfied with all aspects of there relationship and life. I am not saying perfect (though she may think what she has is perfect) but satisfied.
wow just read NOTALDAVE'S post seems he say's the same thing. He realized he was causing his own drama in his life. By not being content. Hmm that was weird.
I wasn't saying passion in marriages and what you described doesn't exist. Obviously it can. However, lets admit it...the media does very often portray love scenes that are full of heat & passion....you rarely ever see a lackluster love scene now do you? I know passion like what many of us are looking for exsists...I've experienced it. My point was that what is fulfilling in an R...differs from person to person and R to R.
Quote: the media does very often portray love scenes that are full of heat & passion....you rarely ever see a lackluster love scene now do you?
I think it has a big impact on our expectations. And in such subtle ways that we may not be aware that we've superimposed some director's/writer's ideal over our own. This may be even more true for the inexperienced or naive.
I know without a shadow of doubt that my self-image has been impacted by the media. And I *know* better than to give creedance to that sort of thing, but it's there in the background rearing it's standard whenever possible. I've been curvy ever since puberty hit. I remember when my body type went out of fashion on the heels of Twiggy's shot to stardom in the late 60s/early 70s. Suddenly, boobs and hips were things to be minimized and if possible, eliminated. Now big boobs are in, but hips are out.
If we've done that with body image, how can we not have been impacted by the portrayal of sex, love-making and relationships that we see in the media?
Personally, I think the most damaging aspect to the media's sexuality twistage is that they portray sex as being for young people.
In the most insidious way, the message has been sent out far and wide that one should get it while they can cause it all goes bye bye when you get "old and married". It's pathetic. It gives people who are already inclined towards the LD end of the spectrum permission to just give up entirely, once married and settled--or at least it did, in my marriage. H finally has stopped using this line of reasoning on me and even believes now that this is hooey but it was really ingrained in him, for a long time. The HD end of the spectrum suffers from this ridiculous idea, imo, in the form of porn which invariably features young girls.
Look at how we treat marriage--one of the best known rituals is for bride to be and groom to be to go out the night before and have these parties which basically celebrate debauchery. Drink to excess, indulge in sexual "fun" cause it's all ending the next day.
I bought into this hook line and sinker for a while. I figured that this was just "married life" and then, later on, what being parents was like. I was miserable but then again, aren't all married people like this?
What a load of crap!
I remember when I told H that I had every intention of being an old lady, still getting it on regularly. He thought I was joking. He honestly believed that there would come an age..a time..in which I'd say "Ok that's it. We're too old for that."
Anyhoo, just had to chime in. This is one of my hot buttons. No not THAT hot button you sickos...
Interesting question.
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