Hi Sally, I am hoping to give you a little bit of hope. My H is 41, I am 39 we have S9 together and I have S17 and D16. We have been together over 12yrs and M7.5. He left in February claiming he was over it and didn't love me blah blah blah, came out in about April that there was an OW. She is 51 from his work and later found out they had been at it for 3yrs.
He set himself up in a caravan, I abused OW, I fought with H, I lashed out, I went close to a breakdown ended up on Anti-depressants, pursued, chased, nagged guilted him everything you name it I did it - ALL WRONG. I then discovered DBing and wow what a difference, I thought I understood this DB thing and would try the different things they said and over time I thought I was doing fairly well and the more the process went on, I healed myself more and became more comfortable with things and then realised I was the most important person to me not my H and then I started acting differently. I believe this is when I truly started to DB correctly b/c I wasn't trying to control H or get reactions from him, everything I was doing was b/c I wanted to and it was going to serve me well.
About 2 weeks ago H and I went out for coffee as he had written me a letter, before going this day I had decided that I was done and was going to tell him. Anyhow after reading his letter, we had a great discussion and b/c I was in the mindset of not being back with him I told him that I didn't agree with something he said had been one of the reason's he left. This was he said I made him feel guilty whenever he went out. I told him that I never made him feel guilty b/c before he was having an affair he didn't seem to feel guilty when he went out and that was b/c he had nothing to feel guilty about but for the last 3yrs he has had something to feel guilty about and that's why he has felt guilt. Not through anything I did but his own guilty conscience. I also said that b/c he didn't have much spare time it would have been hard for him to get away from me to see OW as there was no ligitimate reason for him to do anything out of the ordinary and I said he would have resented me for him not being able to see OW and that she was probably putting pressure on him to see her more and making it seem unreasonable of me for him not having any spare time. This never bothered you before she was on the scene though. That's when i said I would not take the blame for his guilt when it was exactly what he should have been feeling if he had feeling for me and our M and I would be more upset if he felt no guilt as then it would show that he didn't care about me at all.
You know what after pointing that out to him he was astounded (can you believe that) b/c he had just realised that all that I said was completely true and that he had been looking at it from a different angle. He was amazed that he hadn't been able to see it the way it was (duh)anyhow he woke up to himself then and said he didn't want me out of his life. I told him I wouldn't be friends with him and that 9 months was a long time to wait for him and I wasn't prepared to wait any longer. It was time for me to get on with my life and find someone who truly appreciated me for me. I couldn't be friends with him b/c I had too many feelings for him and knew I still loved him, so in order to move on I needed him out of my love so I could properly get over him.
Well anyhow it's ended up that we are working on our M, we do not live together again yet but we are working on it all. OW is gone and boy was that fun b/c she texted me and him and went crazy for awhile as there is a bit of history with her and I as H was going from one to the other for awhile too.
So whether H and I will be a success story I am not sure, too early to tell but after a 3yr affair we are trying to fix it all so there is hope.
I hope this helps a little I know it was a long post but trust me it would have been alot longer if I put everything in so I have tried to reduce it down alot....Goodluck....KDU
