Can Long-Term affairs be over come?

[spitfire23]

Hello again SallyG,
Thank you for your response. I agree with you 100% that any reconciliation will have to be instigated by my H. He will have to work on "his" problems before we can work on "our" problems. I do not believe my husband wishes to work on the marriage and I believe reconciliation is the furthest thing from his mind. When we split he told me he wanted to "be with someone else." Then 2 sentences later he told me he loved me. The man is very messed up. Being the smart a$$ that I am, I told him that I considered myself lucky that he indeed does love me because if he hated me I'd really be in a bad way. My overwhelming emotion in all of this ordeal is sadness. The whole mess just makes me sad.
It was very overwhelming when my husband confessed his infidelities to me two years ago. This was the man of my dreams. We had a good marriage. I thought my husband adored me. Sure we had our issues, like everyone. But, overall, things were really good. We liked each other, we enjoyed each other's company etc, etc, etc. My H really lead 2 separate lives. NOBODY knew. It wasn't the case where I was the last to know. Lots of people are floored by this. I kind of think now that he confessed his "sins" hoping that I would throw him out. I told him then that I wasn't going to make any decisions for him. I really think it threw him for a loop. Knowing me, and the straight shooter that I am, I think he assumed I'd end the marriage and he would be free to start anew life. When I didn't react that way he didn't know what to do. I too am waiting to see what he will do but it's more out of curiousity, I think. I really believe that the man I loved does not exist. He was a total figment of my imagination. He was a fantasy that I created based on my own desires and fueled by my H's deceptions. I believed my own fairy tale. The life he lived with me and our boys was a fantasy. His authentic self is the one he shares with OW. That is who he really is. He just doesn't want anyone to know. He works so hard on this "I'm a good guy" image. And the boys and I were all a part of that. Nice kids, nice wife, nice house, nice job, nice neighbors, nice life. What a use job!!
I have ordered Michele's book. It hasn't arrived yet. I do think there will be many helpful strategies in the book. Dealing with all of this is not easy and I need all the help I can get.
I too think our 3 boys are pretty remarkable human beings. Right now though they are very ANGRY. They want nothing to do with their father. He has made a few half-hearted attempts to talk to them but basically has not been in touch since he left 2 months ago. They have a lot to work through. My boys have asked me to stay out of it and I told them I would. They do not want me to instigate any meetings or to interfere in any way. They feel it's up to my H to fix things with them. They are 19,17 and 15 so they pretty much know their own minds. It does make me sad but I know they are right. All of their lives I tried to smooth over things and make up for things that were lacking in their relationship with their dad. I just can't do it anymore.
I agree with you that there is much wisdom here and also that it is hard to read about all this pain. What has happened in the world? I can't believe how much cheating and lying and deception there is. Are we doomed as a race? What is wrong with us?????????? I have come to believe that there is a whole subculture of people who live in this "cheating world". They have no morals or regrets or even any recognition of the destruction they cause by their selfish indulgances.
OK enough ranting. I do hope all works out for you. You sound much more positive about your sitch than I feel about mine. I wish you all the best. I will keep in touch and let you know how things unfold with us.

Take care and try to have a good weekend. I'll check back with you later.

Spitfire23