Thank you for your kindness. You are correct that this board is filled with wonderful, compassionate people. Each time I come here I find a little more wisdom in these pages which gives me much needed strength. I have read some of your other posts and my heart goes out to you. I remember 10 years ago when I first discovered the A. I was shattered to say the least. When H moved out 2 years ago I could think of nothing but my grief and sadness was a constant companion. Although there is still a great deal of pain this time around it seems different. I am much more at peace with whatever the outcome may be. Perhaps it is just me that is different. We cannot be responsible for our H's actions. We did not cause the A although we may have contributed to the conditions that allowed it to haappen. The choice was their's to make and the consequences their's to suffer. What finally helped me was giving my worry and anxiety to God and trusting that He will take care of me. Learning to forgive allows you to get rid of the anger and bitterness that is so common to the feeling of being abandoned. Forgiveness, though, is not something that one decides and, boom, it happens. It seems to me to be a long process of making those decisions every day, or sometimes every hour. I still hurt and I still get angry and have feelings of hopelessness. I struggle with not shouting to my H that he is a fool and just needs to come home without the baggage of the OW in tow. I am trying hard to focus on his needs and not so much on my own these days but it is so difficult. I still have good and bad days but the good are getting better. The first time around I did not tell anyone that my H had moved out to "have some space and work on our R" I was too embarassed. H never told anyone either. This time, however, I have told a few close friends and my family (Mom & 3 wonderful, supportive brothers). It helps me to hear that I am a decent person with much to offer. After all, once an A is discovered our self estem takes a nose dive. Thier concern and love and the postings on these boards have kept me strong this past week. I think we need to get out, stay busy, and surround ourselves with people who care about us. One of my friends told me that H has changed jobs, friends, houses (we are in our 6th!) and cars, but the one thing constant in his life for the past 30 years has been me. That gave me the courage that I needed to ask him to move out of our home until he could make a decesion about what he wanted. Something else to think about is that the OW is probably not familiar with DBing and will try to pull, manipulate and force our H's to be with them. There will probably be demands made and arguments over his leaving us. I know that OW has divorced her H and certainly now expects my H to do the same. If I can stay cool and plesant maybe H will think about who he is more comfortable with. I don't know the answeres...or I would not be here. But I do feel some positive changes in my life happening if not in his yet. Keep me posted. Blessings SallyG
