thanks for all the well wishes! I'm recovering slowly from an unexpected C-section, which if you are like me who had no idea it was major abdominal surgery, wow, it's a killer. I'm just now up and down in bed without having to be helped.
Lily is an amazing little soul - I never knew what unconditional love was until now.
I'm 1-handed typing so I'll close for now, but thanks to all and I'll update soon. The short story is that S. and I still struggle with each other, but we're both thrilled and in love with Lily. I'm tryig to navigate out of that danger zone while nursing my own disappointment from the birth (more on that later) and trying to recover from the surgery.
Thanks to H2H for keeping me alive here on the BB, and for updating everybody on the birth of my beautiful little tree frog. When I have two moments to rub together, I'll start a new thread.
Hey, girlfriend!!!! Good to hear from you. Of course, if you wait until you have two moments to rub together, we'll probably be waiting for 18 years for that update
Well I'm so slow that Lily might have got a job by now but huge congratulations nonetheless - she is v.lucky to have such a wonderful mum. Hope tum is feeling better. looking forward to more news. lots of lov
Thanks, guys! We're back from almost 2 weeks in Vermont, where Lily had her first snow and mommy had her first walk in the woods in a long time. It was fabulous.
I'm typing around a sleeping tree frog, so this will be brief and full of typos... we're doing OK - the baby is thriving while my R with S. is hurting... we almst came to the point of saying forget it, let's figure out how to do this separately, but came back from the brink. Now we'er at the near-brink, hovering there like broken Weebles about to topple.
S. went back to work full time yesterday (4 days/wk until Jan, then 5 days/wk). He continues to blame me for most of his crap - it's my fault he lost money renovating and my fault he has to go back to work and my fault he doesn;t get to work on his own prjetcs anymore... his life is crap because of me. It's hard to take and I used to cry when he said it, but I've just started asking him how it could be different.
I know I'm being vague and I can;t get more specific until I have full use of my arms to type - - another thing he keeps doing is when I try to Act As If I get back "We're not in a normal R, Jennifer, we'r in a dysfunctional one, so things can't be that way..." and it's about to drive me up a tree. I talked to him about what i was trying to do but he seems mired in misery and so I'm about to just leave him there.
Sounds like time to whip up a batch of those Prozac brownies for him, eh, girlfriend?
Seriously, though - this is all depression stuff. The anger, irritability, blaming others - all pretty standard. And he's trying to desperately avoid the negative voices in his head - the ones that remind him that he's not successful enough to support his child on his freelance work, that he's a failure as a real estate mogul because he couldn't make money on his renovation, that becoming a responsible adult means he'll never be "free" again, that he's not a good boyfriend or husband.
The most convenient way to escape those negative voices is to try to shift the blame - to turn those things around into "it's J's fault I have to give up my freelance work, I would have been successful otherwise", "my renovation would have made money if I hadn't been distracted by having this baby", "if it weren't for J and the baby, I'd be living a fascinating intellectual life".
So - back to some basics. How are you doing on speaking his quality time love language (I know, this sounds ridiculous to ask this of a new mother, but you have to at least try!). How are you doing on validating his fears and giving him positive affirmations for all he's doing? How are you doing on demonstrating your ability to live frugally within his income? How are you doing on creating a warm, inviting home scene when he comes home from work at night?
And - can you get him to take fish oil capsules (or feed him salmon twice a week), a multivitamin, use a light box (or buy him an "artificial dawn" sleep alarm), get regular exercise - all things that help depression? Of course, you might have to sneak these in on him (gosh - Prozac brownies WOULD be easier, wouldn't they? Sigh).
Quote: "We're not in a normal R, Jennifer, we're in a dysfunctional one, so things can't be that way..."
Ugh. How about, "We're in whatever R we create. I'd rather work on creating a healthy R than wallow in dysfunction." Or, pointing out, "Gee, you seem really invested in keeping it that way."
I'm guessing Ellie wouldn't quite approve. I'm pretty skeptical of the disease model of assaholism. I prefer kick in the butt therapy over drugs.
It sounds like you're doing a pretty good job of being the adult in the family. Pat yourself on the back for that.
~~o
