I read your thread alright. There’s just not a lot of background in it.
Yeh, you're wondering that, but I haven't posted anything to suggest that. It's possible, that I am very angry about that, but anger usually comes out in some destructive behavior (not here, in real life). If the anger were there, I assume it would have come out in our MC sessions. Or in drinking. Or in antisocial behavior - fights, road rage, psychosocial problems.
Like Lil says, this stuff doesn’t have to come out, at least not readily. It is coming out here. I still think you are scarred to let your wife see your anger. I also think the source of this is not your wife, but possibly your mother. Can you fill in any background there?
Going back to check your sitch, I noticed you provide only 6-1/2 lines in your opening paragraph describing your background. The rest is all about you and how you are able to remain so strong in the face of this devastating betrayal, how you are working with your pastor, how your wife is trying to repent, but the haunting details keep coming back. All this is valid, and you have been betrayed and have a right to be angry.
But I get the feeling your still refuse to express any anger at your wife, why she did what she did and what you did or didn’t do that caused her to have the affair in the first place. Furthermore, I have absolutely no idea how this could be going on for so long and you had no clue. That says something it itself. Were you never around? Did you completely ignore her? Or did you think it wasn’t possible for her to even think of doing such a thing to you?
NY survivor seemed to ask some pointed questions of you which just made you mad. You want to insist that women are at fault and you are an innocent victim. This cannot be. The strange theme in your posts is that you seem to be something of a misogynist, yet you think you are above this anger and resentment. You are big into the church. You mention plenty of times the work you are doing with your pastor. I have the impression you get at certain sense of elf esteem, even a holier-than-thou feeling by being so close to the church. Be very careful of this. Is this not your vanity at work here? Are you trying to appear holy by acting like you are working to save your marriage, trying to forgive your wife?
It is funny how I am still interacting on one level almost normally with someone who lied to me and engaged in physical sex with someone else and tried to hide it. We are going forward and I have to take her promise on faith that she wants to save our marriage and is truly sorry. I am assuming from what I am reading and what I am hearing from our therapist that the healing is going to take quite a bit of time and that flashbacks and obsessions will be with me for quite a while. Our pastor says take it a day at a time and when that doesn't work, an hour at a time.
Why do I get the feeling you really don’t want to get over this affair? Is there not a certain sick, narcissistic sense of gratification that now you’ve “got” her, you have something to hold over her head, to make her continually beg for your forgiveness, and it feels good!? And the worst part is I think you want to be in this boat yourself. Then you can be the martyr, suffering under this betrayal, and getting as much sympathy as you can. I read a lot of “poor me” through out your comments. You are not Jesus, OK? Get off the soapbox!
I think its time for an ego check, a good hard look at you. Where are the details of why she had the affair? Why did you not know any sooner? How did you neglect her? What does she say is the reason for the affair? What happened in your childhood to want this type of pity? Why do you feel the need to be above others?
In sum, I see four things: 1) very low self esteem, enjoying the pain your wife caused 2) strong ego and arrogance, thinking you are better than others in being so holy as to take your wife back, love her and be willing to work with her toward redemption 3) cowardice to fully confront your wife, which means confronting yourself, and admitting to other, including the pastors, that you are at fault and you have sinned 4) lots of anger and resentment because of the conflicts set up by the above 3.
When we began our MC, my WS also told the MC that she was sorry at how she had hurt me and wanted to work to repair the hurt. (This information is already on my posts). So, as I said, anything is possible, but look at my situation first, then make your comments.
So, now we get to attacks again. I classify accusing me of being henpecked and not having the courage or honesty to stand up to my wife as a personal attack. So anyone is capable of personal attacks if rubbed the wrong way, not just myself.
