The Art of Sexual Ecstasy - Anand

[TSinAtlanta]

Just hoping it goes easier for you and trying to point out somethings that are important that you may be deluding yourself into believing means nothing.


I never said the affair or the way I found out about it means nothing. I said there is not point in analyzing to death what can't be changed. It's over; my WS has said no contact, and as far as I can tell there has been none. I'll have to take that on faith. If it turns out not to be true, then I'm f*cked. But I am not "deluding" myself about anything. If I were I wouldn't have brought all of this up before the board. Much of the anger I have expressed in this board toward a certain type of woman who says she wants to be independent and make here own decisions and then hooks up with a man who lays down the law and makes all the important decisions in her life was created long before the affair. The affair added to the anger, but did not create it out of nothing. I have already told my WS several times that the fact that I didn't find out about the affair from her broke a lot of trust; affairs are not neat and tied up. I have also learned from this board and from readings and my personal experience that affairs are not tidy little events that can be analyzed and explained in a few sentences. Affairs are very confusing and involved and no two are exactly alike. Also, I don't feel much support from your posts; more a judgment that I am "deluding" myself about what is going on and that I should be more like a real man and stand up to my WS. I suppose what is sauce for the goose is good for the gander; since when I have confronted our dear Uncle NY with my reactions to his posts, I get a deluge of criticism, "verbal abuse", "verbal attacks", "Christ-killing". So I guess you could call that being hoisted on my own petard.

My WS has said she thinks about the OM; how often, I don't know, maybe often, maybe not. Everyday, I don't know. I do know that they couldn't have had a 12-year relationship without her keeping many memories about him. I do also know that when she read the letter that the OM wrote about my WS to his wife, she was very hurt because he referred to their phone sex at "free pornography" that he used just like Internet sex without having to pay for.

I have gotten a lot of support from other sources, however. From our MC, who has pointed out that my wife may be suffering from mild depression, which she agrees with. I don't know if medication is necessary. The MC mentioned it but didn't press the issue. Also, I feel supported from our minister, who said, "You would be surprised at how many marriages I consider good marriages have had to deal with affairs."

Maybe this is a woman thing. The old stereotype is a man will look at issues on a case by case basis, one a time individually, then decide yes or no, up or down; and not spend a lot of time analyzing the decision once it's made. The stereotype is the woman will look at issues as all one big whole; will go back and forth from one issue to another, look for connections, continuously evaluating and analyzing. Never making a simple decision on one issue by itself. Multi-tasking for the woman versus single issues at a time by the man. I have approached this catastrophe by looking at everything involved as clearly as I could, and deciding to move forward by trying to rebuild trust through working with the MC and trying to find out what my WS is thinking and feeling.

As far as the Sexual Ecstasy exercises, we tried a Sensual Awareness exercise this weekend. It seemed to go well. The exercise involves blindfolding the partner, leading him/her into the bedroom, guiding the partner through using all five senses (smell, taste, touch, hearing, seeing) with various exercises. They are described in the Margot Anand book. Something that surprised me was that I hadn't expected to become sexually aroused, but did, so we made love afterward. The book says you may want to follow the exercise with lovemaking, which we did, but I hadn't expected it. I didn't try the breathing exercise that BF suggested because by then, I was pretty much "exercise'd out."