Some of you may recall that I started taking Adderall, a medication for Attention Deficit Disorder, a few months ago. Contrary to my previous opinion of the "disorder" and the medication, I really feel so much more "myself" when I take the med.
This is a feeling I never had when I started taking Effexor, which is an anti-depressant. It just never seemed to do much of anything, except, for a period of time, it disrupted my sleep, negatively affected my libido (although Ms. Hairdog would disagree with the "negative"), and make me clench my jaw. So a few months ago, I decided I wanted to go off of Effexor.
I did my homework. I knew of the existence of some pretty severe side effects connected with stopping the drug. These occurred even when the drug was tapered down gradually. Not everyone had these side effects, but, even after reading about them, I decided it was worth the risk. I asked my doctor, and he got me started on tapered-down doses.
On Saturday, October 29, I took my first 75mg, down from my usual daily dosage of 150mg. No major side effects last week...except maybe some more vivid dreams.
On Saturday, November 5, I took my first 37.5mg, down from a week of the 75mg. Sunday, I could tell something was happening. One of the physiological effects seemed to be a very sore left arm...which could have possible been due to sleeping on it wrong. It's still sore today, but not as bad as last Sunday. The more mental/emotional-related side effects are: a buzzy feeling in my head (which may be connected to the physiological ringing in my ears), attention-focusing problems (very different from my ADD type problems...these are more like general unclear thinking unless I really concentrate), skittishness, a weird kind of dyslexia that makes it difficult to type at times (I keep on typing the wrong word over and over again, but thankfully, this only happens in about the first 5 or 10 minutes I am working on a document), and just a general feeling of "this is really weird"ness.
Oh, and during a discussion with my W Monday morning, I basically started crying, and couldn't stop. I wasn't keening or wailing; I just couldn't stop the tears. This is totally not like me, and it kind of freaked her out.
If I hadn't done the research, I would probably be freaked out, but knowledge is power.
Okay, so armed with that backstory, here's my little story from yesterday:
I had my MC session at 3pm, without Ms. Hdog. She had to decline because some court hearing got scheduled at a conflicting time. Do I think it was intentional? I don't know. That detail is not too important to the story.
During the session, I told the MC about my side effects, and she suggested that I tell W about them and ask for "some patience and consideration" for the next couple of weeks due to the side effects.
As I'm driving back from the session, W calls me and asks how it went. I tell her that we spent a lot of the time talking about the side effects, and "I'm asking that you be patient with me, and be aware, and be considerate over the next couple of weeks."
Next, she asks what else was discussed during the session. I don't want to get into it, so I tell her, "I don't want to discuss this right now." Part of the reason for this was because I have an opinion that these discussions are, in part, private, and don't need to be shared with W. She disagrees. The other reason I didn't want to discuss it was because, as I mentioned above, I am having attention problems, and driving and talking are two activities I do not want to be involved in simultaneously.
After I told her that I didn't want to discuss it, she paused, and then said, "We're going nowhere. Our marriage is going nowhere."
H: What did I just say? I am dealing with some side effects, and I can't talk right now.
W: We're going nowhere if you can't trust me enough to share your discussions with the MC with me.
H: Did you hear me? Are you listening to me at all? I can't have this discussion right now. All I am asking for is some patience. Please be considerate.
W: Well, you're not being very considerate of me.
Okay, so I guess even though I'm the one suffering from the weird-azz side effects, I have to treat her with consideration (translation: tell her everything I told the MC about her) before I am entitled to consideration.
I hung up.
Last night, she was apologetic, somewhat. And she was touchy-feely, somewhat. I actually didn't want to be touched (I think this is yet another side effect) very much and pushed her hand away politely, telling her that my skin was kind of "crawly."
This morning she called me at work and said that she missed me. H: What do you mean? I was just there. W: Well, I just wish you were here. MC said you were supposed to be more confident and try initiating. H: In the morning? W: Sure. It doesn't mean that I won't decline from time to time, but maybe you should try. H: Hmmm.
And all I could think was, "Sheesh! It's hard enough to get to sleep after having been pushed away. It's hard enough to face yet another Saturday or Sunday after having been pushed away. Getting rejected first thing in the morning on a work day sounds like my favorite way to start the day. Not."
So, that's where we are.
I told my MC that I've got don'tgiveashititis and she said that, while it's a good thing that I'm not willing to wade into Ms.Hdog's sh!t, it can be taken too far. I need to find a balance between the two unhealthy extremes of tip-toeing around W, and totally ignoring her.
