I basically agree with GEL and SD that a neutral response is probably best to avoid giving her a toehold for additional remarks.
I think you were extremely wise not to respond physically, because it probably would have led to her saying something very predictable like, "Why do you always have to yaddayaddayadda..."
But it also occurs to me that a response to what she said about not feeling loved might be something like (looking her dead in the eye): "Let's get one thing perfectly clear. I do not doubt that you love me. My knowledge that you do love me is the ONLY reason I am still working on this R. I don't expect you to 'make me feel loved.' I expect you to treat me with respect." Then if she tries to get into a convo about that, say, "I spoke clearly. You heard me." And refuse to debate or get into it with her.
Quote: "Let's get one thing perfectly clear. I do not doubt that you love me. My knowledge that you do love me is the ONLY reason I am still working on this R. I don't expect you to 'make me feel loved.' I expect you to treat me with respect."
Yeah, uh, what SHE said.
Thanks, lil. That was a gem.
Hairdog, digging the diamond mine that is SSM today (no pun intended).
Why did you include this in your post? Body language is very telling. I take it as being the truth, with most women,( some are sneaky) and ignore their words if they conflict.
She is getting concerned. you are expressing your disapproval without anger and she has nothing to fight against. So she is trying to create some emotional reaction.
The thanks is always safe and simple, Lils recommendation was expert level. Expect that she is going to reach out in unexpected, suprising ways, as you continue to require and earn respect. Dont go for the touchy, grabby. It will come off as supplicating and set you back. Let her continue to reach out emotionally, and physically. Tease her when she does the physical. Occasionally, when appropriate.
I liked Chrissys idea because it was unpredictable, is GAL for you, and I want to see your W reaction.
Have I mentioned predictability bores women to death?
Supposing you had an affair. What kind of things would you do different, would you want to try with OW? How could you incorporate them now?
Quote: Supposing you had an affair. What kind of things would you do different, would you want to try with OW? How could you incorporate them now?
Don't get me started, dude. Oral sex would be high on the list, as W hates giving or receiving. I'm not even sure what you're getting at with this question, so please clarify for me.
This morning, W saw one of DD4's socks on the floor and threw a hissy about it. I "always" lose her socks, "always" leave them laying around, etc. And I told her, again, "please do not treat me this way." She answered that request by telling me why she finds it necessary to treat me that way (how I "never" listen to her, how I'm "always" losing socks). I just looked at her, then looked back to the pc screen, while she stood there waiting for me to wade into her sh!t. She finally gave up, and huffed away, muttering "I'm done!" which is her way of threatening me with divorce or something like that.
We had a couple more interactions as I was leaving with the kids. We had been planning to attend my DS16's final marching band performance tonight, so I said to her, "do you want to talk now about the details of getting to the football game?" She said, "I don't know if I'll be able to make it. I'm so busy."
I just said, "Oh. Well, let me know if you're able to come with us. We'll be leaving here about 6:15." No answer.
She also started grousing about how "people" keep "shoving paper" into drawers into the kitchen desk. She said this as she was cleaning the desk. I said, "yep." She said, "are you ignoring me?" I said, "no." I mean, WTF, I answered you, didn't I? I then said goodbye and was out the door.
I have to tell you, not letting her bad behavior affect me, not tolerating her disrespect toward me, and not wading into her crap, has had a profoundly liberating effect on me. I feel great this morning. Nothing to apologize for, because I didn't get in an argument and say/do something regretful. Basically, this leaves me being owed an apology by her, but I don't expect one, nor do I think she's a horrible person for not giving me one. In fact, I feel quite loving towards her because I know she's stressed due to work-related busy-ness, but fighting with me is not going to help that.
Quote: I have to tell you, not letting her bad behavior affect me, not tolerating her disrespect toward me, and not wading into her crap, has had a profoundly liberating effect on me. I feel great this morning.
YEEAAAHHHHH for you, Hairdog!!! Whew, whew!! This is BIG. This is very BIG. Mark it on your calendar, and celebrate it every year as your liberation day.
Isn't it astounding, now that you've done it, to realize how easy it is NOT to engage... and in comparison, how much energy it actually takes to wade into the sh!t?
Oh crap, Corri, I had just called her up and apologized for acting like a jerk.
Just kidding.
I'm not ready to trade in my wading boots yet, because I know there may be backsliding, but yeah, it does feel good. Couldn't have done it without you and my other invisible friends.
I'm with Corrie on this...this was outstanding!!! Way to not allow her to engage you, nothing diffuses a situation quite like the other person refusing to participate.
Quote: She also started grousing about how "people" keep "shoving paper" into drawers into the kitchen desk. She said this as she was cleaning the desk. I said, "yep."
HD,
My wife is also quite good at shouting out vague things into the ether. "No one helps around here," or "I can't do all of this by myself," etc. We actually BOTH started doing this, over the years, I suppose as our own awkward, non-confrontational way of dealing with each other. I actually started noticing, maybe a year or two ago, HER starting to put into practice some of the advice YOU (and I) have been given on here. If I would say something very vague, she'd immediately say "Who are you directing that at?", and, "I hope you don't mean ME with that comment?"
Of course, it annoyed the chit out of me, but it worked -- I would back down.
She would also start to say things (again, very unlike her) -- without yelling -- like "Well, I didn't appreciate that," or "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't talk to me that way."
You'd THINK I would have picked up on it, and started to get better at that myself, but it's only in the past couple of months that I've also learned to be less willing to delve into her crap when she gets irate and disrespectful. Now, I'll say things like "Oh", or "I refuse to talk to you when you interrupt me," or "I can't talk to you when you get this way; let me know when you'd like to discuss it more calmly" (and it works!), but I'm wondering now where SHE learned this stuff!
In any event, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK -- it's clearly "working," so long as you're careful to define "working". I don't think it'll get you laid anytime soon, but you sure feel better about YOURSELF, don't you?
