Hairy, I don't know if this is relevant or not, but I have shades of MrsHD's blowupitis in me. If I feel stressed, I have (used to have?) a tendency to blast the next person in line. Which was usually H.
He, by nature, is a blame-taker. Like you, it's not his style to get right back in my face; he's the type to get introspective at the onslaught of my words and say, Yeah I guess I shouldn't have called with such a petty issue and not even *get into* the fact that I didn't have to blast him with a snotty attitude, at all.
When H pulled away from me abruptly, many years ago, I had a chance to really examine my own behavior and see if I was even a person with whom he'd like to get close. My analysis? I can be an awesome, loving lady. But I have a mean streak in me that absolutely must be shelved. There is no excuse for her to slink out of the slimy hole she inhabits and be a part of our interactions.
It was hard to do this when I was seriously sex-starved. Nay, impossible. I simply was not strong enough to kick her azz back into the slimy hole while out of my mind with physical frustration. But I did start a campaign whereby I vowed to be the nice honey all the time and curb my dang temper.
It has produced some of the finest and sweetest fruits of any modification we've done. It was loooong overdue.
My point, I guess, is that this is not something that can't be overcome. Also, it helped me that he totally pulled away from me and allowed me to examine my role in it. I was nowhere near MrsHD's level of hostility but, really, does that matter? My blastings hurt MrH a lot and always, always took him off guard--the worst kind of blasting there is, imo. I also wanted to reiterate what you already know--that being firm and strong and unwavering in your stance will stop her in her tracks.
And, dude, hair playing?????
I think you need to bother her at work more often, lol. The adrenaline of getting pissed off seems to have stirred up some other bodily cocktail in her.
