Quote: "Allowed?" I don't know if it's a question of being "allowed." It's just not the type of person I am. And how would I express my stress-related frustration over her lack of effort in the physical touch category, or the making love category (List items #5 and #6)? "Excuse me, but did you not realize that you've walked past me all day without once touching me?" Or, as she is falling asleep next to me, "uh, I understand your need for sleep, but you really need to put the 'making love' item higher on your list. I just don't see you trying hard enough."
Sorry, but that's not my style. I KNOW how annoying it is.
Let me explain where I'm coming from here. I'm a big believer in "atmosphere". For instance, back when our child was young and got excessively rowdy, there would be times when I would tell her, "You're not contributing to the peace of our home". When NOP came home from work, our home was a place of refuge for him. The peace had become so palpable, that we had people comment on it. That peace was eventually replaced by the disconnect and stresses of our damaged relationship.
I'm a believe in atmosphere for relationships, too. The blinking light for me was your expression regarding her upcoming arrival at home.
You're a grown man, HD. You are a decent man. I cringe when I read your descriptions of her "corrections" of you, her *demands* for your apology. I firmly believe that if you reflected her behavior back to her, that you would find how much she would NOT tolerate experiencing what she does to you so often.
This isn't just emasculating behavior, it borders on the abusive. Fear of or concern for having to deal with your spouse's anger over such innocuous situations is not a healthy atmosphere.
Quote: I called, and she was upset with that. No recognition that it was prudent of me to check the budget, to call her with a question. No...it was wrong of me to call her at work because she is very busy.
When she got home (and, thanks to cell phones, during her drive home), she lambasted me for bothering her on a day when I KNEW she was swamped, not properly exercising my discretion by failing to wait until she got home to talk to her about this, and causing her even more stress.
After listening to her rant and trying to explain my justification (dang, Corri, you were supposed to be yelling in my ear, "stay out of her sh!t!"), I decided to say, "I'm done trying to discuss this with you."
See, I think you should draw the line immediately when the rant begins.
If you called at a bad time, she could simply say "this is a bad time, I'll talk to you later." Calling at a bad time should not result in the emotional expenditure that occurred in your hom.
I understand that your personality is not inclined to get in her face the way she gets into yours on a regular basis. But that doesn't mean that you have to continue to tolerate her behavior. I think you should *never* try to justify your actions to her until your relationship has some semblance of equality. As soon as the rant starts, what would happen if you said immediately "I am not going to tolerate this." and walked away right then?
Because that's what I think you should do. Don't volunteer to be her stress whipping-boy. You didn't have a discussion, you had her accusations of wrong doing and your attempts to explain why you had the audacity to call her. You are already in a losing, submissive position.
I think you need to stop placing yourself there. Whenever she starts expressing her anger at you, let her talk to the walls, or the door.
