I wanted to respond to you, MsNop. Yes, the "unofficial" stuff on her list (i.e. the "between the lines" stuff like, remembering to pick up a kid's pair of socks, or, as I will mention later, not contacting her at work) gets added into the official listed items, and gets critiqued immediately upon its discovery by her. For example, she'll see the socks and shoes on the floor, ask me to take care of it (usually while I'm working on something else), and then, when she returns from her errand, a half-hour later and sees them still on the floor, will say something like, "how come you didn't put the socks and shoes away?" But she doesn't really care about my answer, even if it is reasonable. She just wants to let me know that I have failed her once again. What she wants is a meaningful, "I'm sorry."
And yes, it is often this type of minutae that gets her started.
When do I get to score her on how well she is meeting my list items? I suppose I could do the ongoing commentary, but, knowing how annoying it is, I choose not to. Rather, I wait until the MC appointment, when the MC asks us how each of us is doing on the other's list. Unless, of course, I feel she is violating a boundary (List item # 2), at which time I will let her know.
You asked
Quote: are you allowed to express your stress the same way your wife does?
"Allowed?" I don't know if it's a question of being "allowed." It's just not the type of person I am. And how would I express my stress-related frustration over her lack of effort in the physical touch category, or the making love category (List items #5 and #6)? "Excuse me, but did you not realize that you've walked past me all day without once touching me?" Or, as she is falling asleep next to me, "uh, I understand your need for sleep, but you really need to put the 'making love' item higher on your list. I just don't see you trying hard enough."
Sorry, but that's not my style. I KNOW how annoying it is.
But here's a story from last night that shows me that not taking her crap is a good thing.
She got upset with me after I called her at work to ask her about something that is actually quite relevant to her list. I had a coupon for 25 cents off each gallon of gas at the gas station in our local grocery chain parking lot, if you spent at least $30 on groceries. Not a bad deal. Problem: our budget is on a monthly basis and we are actually out of money in the "food" category until next Tuesday.
Now, I know this may sound silly to you, especially if you're not the "budget" type (like me), but the budget is her baby, and you do not violate the budget. If you recall, last month I went out to lunch with a co-worker and spent $15 on my lunch. Although W was upset about the fact that I went out with this female co-worker (who I've known for 15 years), she focused on the money aspect, and basically went ballistic. So, just accept this statement: The budget is important.
I decided that I'd be cautious, knowing that it was close to the end of the month, and I'd check the budget, which is a Microsoft Money program on our pc. Check...hmmm...we're already about $5 over on food this month. Hmmm...we have $50 left for gas, though. I decide to call her, because I know that the budget is her baby, and it's just easier to put the question to her, rather than to be presumptuous and spend $$ in one category, on another category.
I called, and she was upset with that. No recognition that it was prudent of me to check the budget, to call her with a question. No...it was wrong of me to call her at work because she is very busy.
When she got home (and, thanks to cell phones, during her drive home), she lambasted me for bothering her on a day when I KNEW she was swamped, not properly exercising my discretion by failing to wait until she got home to talk to her about this, and causing her even more stress.
After listening to her rant and trying to explain my justification (dang, Corri, you were supposed to be yelling in my ear, "stay out of her sh!t!"), I decided to say, "I'm done trying to discuss this with you."
She went on for a while, saying that I should apologize to her for bothering her, but I just ignored her and went back to work. She left me alone, and went upstairs for a while. She came down, came up behind me (I was on the pc) and asked me, in her nice voice, what I was doing. I told her that I was reading an article on something. She put her hands on my shoulders, and even played with my hair.
On the way to our DD4's swim lesson, she called me and apologized for being so testy.
