Caverna. It sounds like all he is saying at the moment is that he needs space from the M. It sounds like he is feeling trapped. You won't get him to come back untill he has found all the space he needs and experienced it. Only when he does this will he realise the problem or feelings he has with regards to being trapped in the M are still with him, At the moment is is blaming you for the way he feels.
You are going to have to be patient and give him time. You'll never be able to push him to come back; if you do he will be resentful.
I would suggest you go dark. I remember when you did that before he came closer towards you. I wonder if you are already slipping back into bad habbits and it has scared him.
It's not easy. You must feel so lost, afraid and confused. I can read it between the lines of yourpost. If I can see that your H must be able to see that too. It is not a good feeling to be around someone whois unhappy, especially if we feel responsible for making them unhappy. You need to ge a PMA and focus more on your life. Become the kind of woman he would be a fool to leave.That is where all of your energy should be going. That way, if he doesn't wake up from this you'll know that you did your best to save your marriage.
What do you think? What can you do to make you feel better about yourself? How can you cherish yourself and make yourself happy..just for today?
I agree totally with pink - just go dark give him the space (and you ) take it so slow that the snails move faster than you.
Let him drop the dog in the door and leave don't react I totally think he would love to come back and is frightened to death that very soon everything would go back to exactly as it was.
hang in there DB for all it is worth I truly think you might be getting somewhere and though 'asking' probably wasn't the best thing it seemed to get you somewhere
and I think he must have been shocked to realise you wanted to take it slower than him - then you call back because you feel sad and he sees this as moving back to where to you have been in the past.
Go dark for all you are worth be busy - it worked before and now you have just worked out a what doesn't work I wish had your guts - you try and then you try again
People like you give me so much strength and hope.
A part of me thinks it's better to just end it all, suffer it all at once and move on, but another thinks that this is quitting, it's not facing the problem, not changing myself for the better, for a more centered and patient person.
One thing Michele says is that the problems from an R will carry on to the next one and I think it's true.
I have been crying all night. I don't know if everyone has this crying spells. It's exhausting. I must be getting my period or something.
Anyway, thank you again. I will go dark. He asked me to call him today. I won't. Maybe I won't answer the phone either when he calls. I will decide.
look even if you decide you will just give up move on - you still get to do the work on you so that this doesn't happen in the future so you may as well keep doing the work on you become the totally awesome person that keeps peeking their head out every now and then, and see what happens with your R while you are doing it.
If at the end you are this great awesome female and look around and he is far behind well then you can just keep going but who knows he may be standing right behind you hanging on for grim death.
So either way you win
I am going to just try and be the person I know I was before studies took over my life and personality - the person just under the surface who cares about people before studying and just forgot for awhile.
I am not letting anyone or anything keep me in that 'alien body' I was in for the past 12 months I am breaking out so come with me for the ride and lets see where we end up.
bj
crying is good for you sometimes, releases lots of endorphins and helps you sleep - just makes you look c-r-a-p when you wake up so you will need
Quote: crying is good for you sometimes, releases lots of endorphins and helps you sleep - just makes you look c-r-a-p when you wake up so you will need
I picked up my mom from the airport and she asked, "did you drink too much or did you cry too much?"
I lied saying I drank too much.
This a BIG 180 for me: not worrying my mom with my problems. Througout this R and my entire life, when the going gets tough, my mom is the first person I call, day or night, usually histerically crying.
She solves all my problems with words of strength, but eventually gets so worked up by them, that she ends up getting depressed too.
My mom hates my H and thinks he is out of his mind (don't we all), but the problem is that she only saw him twice in her life (she lives in another country) and doesn't speak his language, so of course she has this very much biased notion that I am a princess and he is just a frog.
So I decided: 1. will not tell my mom how sad I have REALLY been. 2. will tell her his side of the story too. In case we get back together, I don't want her to hate him. 3. will refrain from bedmouthing H and telling her the mean things he is doing.
Updating: H said he would call today to discuss our D, as we have talked the day before. I called him just to ask if he could take the dog and that there was a ski sale near the house. I left a message and didn't mention "the talk." He didn't pick up his phone nor returned the call.
It's interesting that whenever I am ready to openly discuss the big D, he runs away. There's always something he HAS to do. Last time he HAD to go to the gym...The time before that, even though we had been talking online for over an hour, when I brought up the subject, he got really busy.
I'm trying to make heads and tails of this. He doesn't want to be married, but flys like a bat from hell when we are about to discuss D. Why?
I'm trying to make heads and tails of this. He doesn't want to be married, but flys like a bat from hell when we are about to discuss D. Why?
Quote: A part of me thinks it's better to just end it all, suffer it all at once and move on, but another thinks that this is quitting, it's not facing the problem, not changing myself for the better, for a more centered and patient person.
does it make more sense when you think about how you feel about the situation yourself?
You can't worry or wonder about his indicision...all you can do is work on you and figure out what it is you want.
I wish I had something wonderful to say but I don't. I agree that maybe it is time to go dark for awhile. It seems like H is really needing more space. It may be beneficial for you too.
Hope your feeling of hurt is less painful soon. {{{Hugs}}}
Hey Caverna my mum too is a rock and supportive and so there when you need her, but also worries about me and how I am coping so at the moment I am not really telling her anything and she thinks I am putting all my efforts into finishing uni and only calls once a week to see how I am going.
I don't want her to be upset and though I have no idea where this is going I don't want her to 'hate him' incase it works out.
Good thing drinking too much makes you look like c-r-a-p too. Funny how we grow up and don't want to worry our mothers.
ggod goals for your mom relationship, this way you are making it easier for everyone and I am sure your mom will probably see through what you are doing.
Maybe you can even say that you worry sometimes she will turn against him because she is the person you talk to when angry and that if you work this out you are worried you may wreck any relationship she could have with him.
I get the impression too that he is running a mile when the big D talk raises it's head I would do the same - don't talk about it - bury it for a while if he raises it be busy no time.
It is hard when you make a call and there is no response isn't it, I wonder if I am being ignored or did he not know yet that I called because he is busy.
Maybe its not
Quote: He doesn't want to be married
sounds like he doesn't want to do anything to change things at least just yet.
Look have a great visit with your mom, do as much mum and D stuff as you can it will make you feel better. and as Lostlove says all you can do is work is on you work on who you are, what your want for yourself and go get it
so you will need 
