So H showed this morning that he has been reflecting on us, right? Right.
So I am waiting for him to drop off the dog. I am thinking, if he did this, he probably wants to see me today. So, that's why I stayed at home (must remember not to do that EVER again).
About 9:30 he opens the door, lets the dog in and closes it.
This time I ran downstairs FURIOUS!!! I yelled at him as he was getting in his car. He showed frustration, almost throwing a tantrum, as he walked back towards the house.
I asked why he was still being such a d... He said I had asked for it (for distance). I said, "how many times do I have to say I said that because I was angry?"
Then he said that's why he didn't come upstairs. He knew we would get into something and his friend was waiting in the car to go to a party.
We discussed a little and he started to walk away. I yelled "jerk" a couple of times and finally cursed before slamming the door.
I thought that since I had broken so many of my DBing rules, why not go all out, since the damage was done.
I left about half a dozen messages on his cell phone and, to my surprise, he called back, very calm.
He let me yell at him and acted very DB himself. Said that he understood that I was so mad because he WAS being a jerk. Told me to yell at him all I wanted. Then told me we would talk the next day.
As the conversation calmed down (and I thanked him for letting me vent) he confessed he was afraid of getting involved with me because he thought I would leave him someday. He said he didn't know how to let his guard down. He felt like I didn't give him the love he deserved.
He said I am sad like that because I can't have him, but If I could, I would relax again and we would go back to our old patterns.
I told him I didn't want that to happen either with a list of reasons why and because we had changed so much in the last months.
After I reassured him, he said that he got scared when he wanted to reconcile because he felt pressured to come back home sooner than he was ready for.
I told him I thought that HE was moving too fast. I told him that I went out so I didn't have to run into him and that he kept coming over and I felt controlled. He listened silently to that and said he didn't know I felt the same way as he did: that I wanted to take it REALLY slow.
We talked for a long time and it felt as if we were moving forward. He was in the middle of this party, but talked with me for a long time.
We hang up with him saying that I should try and relax and get some sleep.
However, I decided to clean some of the house for my mom (she is coming to visit) and this empty feeling just hit me. I don't think I ever cryed this much. I had to actually sit down on the floor because I felt so overwhelmingly weak.
Normally, I would have called a friend, especially after learning about DB.
However, because he had been so validating and nice, I called him. Told how sad I was and how tired of being sad I have been.
He was cold then. Said we could talk the next day.
The conversation escalated to him saying again that he doesn't want to be married and can't give me what I want. He said I never gave him the space he needed, that I only talked about this (not true) and never allowed us to be friends again.
I told him that becoming friends as we are still married but not talking about our R (actually a DB rule) would be like having an elephant in the room. I told him we needed some ground rules, such as, we meet once a week and have fun, for example.
He said again, let's talk tomorrow.
Then he told me he still had mixed feelings, but because of my drama, I was forcing him to make a decision. I told him, "if that's what you want..." and we hung up.
