It is becoming clearer to me that our spouses really are confused!! The old alien abducted them thing. I think we get frustrated every time that we try to make things happen that aren't ready to happen. These problems took a long time to develop and expecting that they will fix themselves to the point of where our spouses can say definitively that they want us in their lives forever is going to take a lot of time. Besides, if they said it at this point would we believe it anyway? I think no. I think I would keep looking for reassurances and drive him away. Instead, (and trust me - I have had a very anxious day for no real reason) I think we take it one moment at at time - practicing what we have identified for goals - things WE can do, not them. And trusting that when they are having a good moment with us, it is a good moment. Practicing "thank you for your willingness to share" is probably a good line to memorize.
I have said it on several other threads but this is HARD work but the results do occur quickly when we get it right. Keeping them going is the hard part because backsliding happens almost immediately. I think some of the pain we experience is very necessary to keep us working on the goals and to keep things edgy enough to keep up the hard work. Remember, this is about US, not them.
Quote: I have said it on several other threads but this is HARD work but the results do occur quickly when we get it right. Keeping them going is the hard part because backsliding happens almost immediately. I think some of the pain we experience is very necessary to keep us working on the goals and to keep things edgy enough to keep up the hard work. Remember, this is about US, not them.
I like that GW. Which one is your thread, by the way?
I read through my own stitch and just noticed how far I've come. The LRT really brought on some good results. I just had some real backsliding there. When H showed up crying and cold, I should have kept my big mouth shut. Again, anxiety took the best out of me.
Thanks to JJ and Sage I can see that I was giving up at the best part of the story: the idea of a reconciliation. Instead of letting things go slow, I became resentful and made it difficult for him...
came over to look at sich - and I can see how you were at the limbo place in all this read all of this new thread and will take on board the words of sage and jj
like I said in my reply to you on my thread - I guess I keep going too far ahead with my thoughts
my partner has seasonal depression (every winter here we go again) and like many of the posts from others on your thread he isn't seeing anyone
I guess a big step forward for him was recently saying summer was coming and he was sure to feel better - and that maybe he ought to see someone about it.
his depression results in him withdrawing and doing nothing - just sitting around and not talking - seeing the world as negative and noting only the bad things in it.
am adding your thread to my favourites so I can see how you are doing particularly as you seem to be one step up ladder from where I am
Quote: back to where he was willing to start over and date. Should I ask him? or wait for him to approach me again?
Forgive me here, but sometimes I often flash black to situations here that remind me of high school dances. Boys on one side, girls on the other, neither one willing to walk across the floor and make the first step to ask for a dance!
What things did you use to do when you had fun together? What are some of your common interests? What were you doing when you enjoyed the most being together?
What would a good "date" be for both of you?
JJ
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- going skiing together (not ski season yet) - going for a hike - having dinner - going to a comedy club - our first date was at the Bush Gardens but the parks are closed now
Do you suggest I invite him? Or let him take the lead?
logged back on to see what was happening and to read the response you got - I love the girls on one side of the room and the boys on the other
for what it is worth I have always believed there is no reason why a female can't ask a male - and so have always encouraged my female friends to ask a male for a date after all he didn't ask he may get away
I would think your H has made the move to wanting to be with you and now its your turn to pick up the 'hint' maybe say you thought about what he said and think it may be a good idea if you start over and begin 'dating' you would like to start by maybe suggesting you both do XXXX what does he think?
I guess he can only say no - and maybe this will leave the opening for him to come back later and say he has been thinking about it
You could suggest going to a nice restaraunt you both like
For whatever it is worth, I would take a bit different stance and continue to be very cordial, loving (no initiating physical contact because that is for us, not them) but aloof. You said it yourself that you had good results with LRT. That is such a hard one and it means a lot of different things in different relationships but I think it boils down to opening the door for our H's and leaving it to them to decide to pursue us. Our struggle is always "what if they don't" but love has got to be free. God could have created us to "make us" love him, but that wouldn't be love - I don't know what it would be but not love. The only way for it to make sense for our H's to stay is for them to be free to leave and to know that we will be okay (no - more than ok) without them. I backslide into the pursuit sometimes so quickly, it makes my own head spin!! But he likes the pursuit - makes him uncomfortable, I think because I have been running the show for so long. But he is more pleasant and seeks me out when I move out of that role.
Sorry - I am not very good at this thread thing. My sitch is summarized in a couple of my posts (haven't had that many). Click on my name and then "some encouragement to keep up the hard work". Unfortunately, I did not do something right in the beginning so the summary of my situation is on 10/8/05 in Newcomers under "some advice needed."
So I was supposed to fix things, right? (or maybe not?)
I called him this morning with the intent to invite him to go out or something and discuss the dating situation again.
However, he never responded the call.
Later on I had to call about the dog (I neede him to take it for the night) and he was very cold on the phone. It seems the more I try to be nice, the more of a a$$ he is to me. He didn't even call me by my nickname, as he usually does. Said that he agrees with this distance that I asked for and needs to get his head straight. He said he didn't want to give me any false hopes... I said, are you kidding me???? So what was all that talk about making it work and having babies, and ILYS???????
He just said, "we had this conversation already," and had to go.
I just cryed and cryed and cryed some more. I'm surprised I haven't dried out yet.
