H wants to date

[ValerieA]

Hello, caverna. I'm not familiar with your entire sitch, but I just happened to come across your thread today while following others' threads, and when you spoke of your H's nightmares, suicidal thoughts, telling you that you should just hit him, well...it's as if I was reading my own thread from a few months back.

I am indeed no expert, but please allow me to comment.

One goal for the next few weeks -
I want to stop the codepency stitch and force him to take action and do something about his depression.

I agree that he does need C...so does my H...but you cannot FORCE him to go if he doesn't want to. I have begged and pleaded with my H to seek professional help for the last 5 years, and all it has gotten me is resistance. I can't control my H, and neither can you.

H will only go if that is what HE wants, and he will do it when HE is ready. Don't push the issue...Do not force it. It will get you nowhere.

When this happens, he will:
- get an appointment with a doctor
- stop the pity behavior to justify his mean actions (such as showing up to see me, but always in a bad mood and non-affectionate)

Stop the pity behavior?....Don't you think that's rather harsh?

Your H is hurting, caverna. He is confused, he is lost, he is very unhappy and very unsure about himself and what is going on in his life.

You're right -- the BEST thing for you to do is to remain SUPPORTIVE to your H. There were many times in my R where I felt like I couldn't take anymore of the "crybaby-ness" from my H, but he needed me. He needed me to be there for him and to tell him that everything would be alright no matter what. He would frequently say that he felt worthless, and everytime I told him, "YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS." I would turn his focus onto things that were going positive for him (i.e. a bonus he earned at work, passing his sales goals, acing his tests, etc)....Help your H focus on good things...any good thing, big or small.

I hope you don't think I'm being too hard on you with what I've said, but sometimes we need to just hear it. I know how difficult it can be in dealing with a depressed spouse.

Please take care.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."