Just a little recap:
H and I have been separated for three months. After much drama and talks about D, when I finally gave up he wanted to try it again. Now he wants to date. PS: no kids.
I told him on Tuesday that I wouldn't be home yesterday. I lied and here is the reason why: since he wants to date, I think we should do it properly. I am sick and tired of just running into him coming in and out of the house as he pleases and not knowing if he is going to be grumpy, or crying, or weird, or somewhat normal, so I want to cut that kind of interaction.
I came home from work at 9pm and the dog wasn't here. That usually means he will come back to drop off the dog. In other words, even though I told him I wasn't going to be home, he found a way to run into me. My interpretation: to control me.
So luckly a friend asked to go out and we went to have dinner together. I didn't get home until past 12am and the dog was here. I also noticed that our bed was messy, meaning he took a nap probably waiting for me.
How much do you want to bet that he won't call or come over today because I went out yesterday and wasn't just sitting around waiting for his crumbs of love and affection????
I think you're on the right track with not being available at his beck n' call. If not being available for him is a 180 for you, I bet you'll results (i.e. him pursuing you) in a matter of a week.
Passive-aggressive behavior is very well documented by psycholagists/therapists. You could do a google search and find PLENTY about it. But, it actually takes a while to understand because it's counterintuitive, even though it's such a typical behavior pattern.
Basically, we are all passive-aggressive to a degree. We often have to be. Passive-aggressiveness is a way to be aggresive or control the situation with passive actions. A classic example is if you tell someone you'll meet them to go to a movie. But you really don't like them and don't want to see the movie, but would feel guilty saying "no." So, instead, you say "OK" and drag your feet and show up late and maybe you both end up missing the intro.
That's a pretty mild example.
So, after you have not been available for your H to go out when HE wanted to, he won't come out and yell, "you should be available for me when I say!" Instead he will "punish" you by not communicating for the next day or two.
You could argue, that you were also passive-aggresive by not being available for him when he wanted. Remember, passive-aggressive behavior is not ALWAYS a bad thing. When he asked, you didn't say, "NO! I will not go out with you tonight. Get used to the fact that I'm not always ready to jump when you say!" You didn't say that because you know it will be counter-productive. Instead, you controled the situation by telling him a little untruth about being busy and asked to do it later.
You were being passively aggressive. And in my unprofessional opinion it was the right thing to do. You took back some control. Good for you! Don't be suprised if he does punish you for it. You'll live through the "punishment" and he may very well start to see that he can't control you via his usual means.
Alright, enough playing doctor for now. I have absolutely no credentials in behavioral psychology. I've just become fascinated with it recently due to our sitch's I guess.
I've read a little on the passive-agressive thing and you are right: the best way to deal with it is not react to it, so I am going to TRY (I said, TRY) to not react and get mad with him. He has been acting like this since day one of separation.
I guess a big 180 would be to not react my usual ways and give him the attention he is sicking.
Read to me like a guy who was trying to see his w that he is separated from. I took a quick glance at your last thread and it seemed as though some point you felt as though he was going out of his way to avoid you and that was bugging you, right? Now it's swung the other direction and that feels controlling?
My suggestion would be to create some very specific goals and build actions around them. I wouldn't try to diagnose h's behavior...use it only as a guide to figure out if you're getting closer or further away from your goals.
So, what 2 or 3 short term goals would you like to work on?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
that's why I like coming here, sage. Every once in a while someone pulls my ear...
Anyway, I thought a lot about my short term goals and I guess that some of them are:
- He will ask me out on a real date - He will open up to me and be less deffensive - He would call more often - He would be more loving around me (touching more, hugging, kissing - he did that on monday morning but hasn't anymore).
Those are all great goals! And now comes the hard part - spinning them around into actions you can make...what's been working for ya to get these things to happen and what hasn't been working?
Good luck with these and don't forget to see the small signs that'll be everywhere!
H did the dog trick again and brought it late in the day when he knew I'd be here.
He was weird again. Gosh, it's tiring just thinking about it.
Says he is still depressed, suicidal, having nightmares, the works. AND he is still not seeing a therapist. Claims he doesn't have time.
I had the nerve to ask about us. He says he doesn't see space for us in his mind, his life, whatever.
I got really worked up this time and told him not to call or write or do any kind of contact with me until he sees a doctor. He just cryed all the way saying he IS a bad person and that I should hit him if I wanted to.
He kept mentioning suicide and saying he will make a life insurance just in case.
So when he left I called his father, who was not very sympathetic. He claims his son didn't show any of the behaviors I was accusing him of and that he doubted he would try to kill himself. He almost hang up on me. Was really, really rude. That really hurt me.
Since then I have been crying. I talked with a friend over the phone and that seemed to help a little. I am so tired. Is this worth it? I don't think so.
