I am new to this forum but thought I would attempt to "vent" in hopes that my marriage becomes DBed before the Divorce subject seriously comes up.
I knew my wife for 3 monthes before we got married (possibly a HUGE mistake). She is Jehovah's Witness, I am a reformed convicted felon. We will be married 2 years come January. This relationship has been the most dramatic, difficult, emotional, etc I have ever been in. Let's cut to the chase..
Unless we ML or have sex, she feels uncomfortable with me touching her in all 3 areas (butt, breasts, and PA [Private Area]). Her kisses involve no tongue unless we ML. 98% of the time we do ML or have sex, I am the one who pursues it. The 2% is usually very rare occasions. When we do have sex, even then sometimes, she feels uncomfortable with me touching her!
When we do ML or have sex, most of the time it is great but she still wants me to "hurry up and c*m" shortly after she does. She HATES the "dirty talk" during sex, and I can count on one hand how many times she gives me oral pleasure. I offer to give her oral pleasure on a regular and I know I do it right, but she "doesn't like that" now.
The thing that really bothers me that in the beginning of our marriage, sex was frequent and PERFECT. Now, it's becoming a hassle to even make it happen. I'm tired of being sexually frustrated. She has called me a "sex fiend" and all I want is for us to make love regularly (not even daily). I give her PLENTY of attention, and try to show plenty of affection to no avail. COMPLETE STRANGERS AND WOMEN I KNOW, WANT ME MORE THAN MY OWN WIFE!!! I'm lost.. And yes, I've tried just about everything except divorce.
She did mention that she was molested at some point in time, but that shouldnt play in this becuase the beginning of our marriage was very SEXUALLY ACTIVE. I'm an ex-con for financial crimes (fraud) when I got out of the military WAY before she knew me (6 years ago). I mentioned ex-con because I wanted to set the stage on the difference of our backgrounds.
Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. You are among friends here who will give you honest feedback and ask you to take a really close look at yourself and your relationship with your W.
You've told us what's not going on in your M...and have given us a bit of an idea of what you are missing....but what else is going on in your lives that could be affecting the way she's behaving now? Kids? Work stresses? Finances? Age? Physical difficulties? Any of the above?
It sounds to me like you are actually missing what most of us are missing...and that's "intimacy" in the relationship that you have with your W. Kissing is a VERY intimate thing for someone to do....if for some reason she doesn't feel emotionally connected to you at this point (and that could be due to any myriad of reasons) intimacy is likely to be affected.
Has she ever been comfortable with displays of affection outside the bedroom or did she used to be comfortable with it and that's changed?
I'm also going to ask you a question that will require you to take a good look at your own behavior. What did you do when you two were dating and early on in your M that you don't do now? Often there are behaviors early on in our R's that we do that attract our spouse...but we don't continue those behaviors once the M becomes comfortable. Just put some thought into that...it's a place to start anyway.
Try to give us a bit more in order to help guide you.
Sexual abuse can come back to haunt people in many forms, don't discount her past when it comes to this issue. Personally, I'm doubting that it has much to do with it...unless you are exhibiting behaviors similar to the person who abused her; but I'm not willing to really take that route here yet. It's far too early to assume that her past abuse is the cause of her problem right now.
Well GEL, Our finances are kinda shaky right now, which could play a role. I started a new job which of course lapses a paycheck but that don't seem to play a part being that whether finances are good or bad, it stays the same.
There are no apparant physical difficulties, we both consider ourselves fairly confident and attractive (undressing around each other, using restroom with no need for privacy , etc.)
I am 27, she is 32 if that even is a factor.
You are right, I am SEVERELY missing intimacy and I have actually sought it elsewhere a few times , without her knowledge.
The intimacy we do share outside the bedroom seems to be WAY to proper. Pecks instead of kisses, moving my hand away, the "I'm too busy" to even hug sometimes, etc. It was great the first 2 or 3 monthes of our marriage then it just seemed to fade.
I don't do as much as I used to as I did in the beginning of our marriage/relationship but when i attempt to work on these things, I get NO recognition or nothing seems to change on her end.
I've bought flowers, wrote letters, even showed the scriptures that she follows, of how depriving a husband sexually, only opens the door to temptation wide open, etc.
By the way, we have been in MANY heated arguements over this issue among others, but not ONCE have a laid a hand on her. She has even beat on ME a few times (chipped my tooth a little actually!), but still, I vowed to never hit her and stuck to that. I am doubting that is even the issue as well, being that we ONCE had a GREAT physical relationship.
No disrespect, but without knowing any more than the little said here, I’m willing to bet the sexual molestation has everything to do with her behavior. Unless she is emotionally turned on and lusting, each time he touches her she relives the molestation. It is also possible that she blames herself in some way, or at least feels degraded by it, and suffers from low self esteem. I wonder if this self hatred is causing her to shut down emotionally. I don’t think he needs to resemble the molester in any way for the abuse to be affecting her. I think the best advice I could offer is for them to go see a sexual abuse counselor. There is nothing nor no one on this board that can provide the therapy needed to cure this.
I don’t even want to get into the age difference at this point.
Cobra,
You may be right, but I'm trying to understand why she didn't mind any of it in the beginning. She actually was more "kinky" and "open-minded" in the beginning (nothing more than oral sex, no worries )
I feel if the molestation was the case, if her love for me is strong, she would have really worked on this.
I tend to agree with cobra. The early months of a marriage can have a momentum that carries you past those problems and makes you think you're "over" them... kind of like you've tossed the baggage overboard and never want to see it again... but a few months, years later, it starts washing up on the beach where you trip over it.
James, it sounds like y'all have a lot of issues to contend with.
, etc.)
, without her knowledge.
)
