Unilateral Disarmement - 3

[Wendylon]

I can't believe it's been this long since I posted!! I wonder if anyone that I know is still around. I will need to have a look after I've written this. If I look first, I'll never write the update.

We are still in the repairing stage. I hope not to be discouraging to those of you that are impatient for quick fixes. On the other hand, I hope to be of some encouragement to those of you that can't imagine your spouse ever re-committing to the M and coming out of their A-fog.

H ended his A 2 years ago. The first year after H ended his A was difficult because H was very depressed and I didn't trust that he'd really given up on OW. (She lives in our neighbourhood and I see her in the street all the time so he must too.)

We've now been through the second year post-A. It's been much better. H is no longer depressed. He rates his general happiness 7/10 (and so do I). He's back to being involved with the kids--in fact more involved than he ever was with S7 who is autistic. H gets up early every morning and spends an hour with him before the bus picks him up.

All, however, is not back to normal. H doesn't touch me or use any affectionate language. He will kiss me on the cheek if one of us is going on a trip without the other but that is about it.

My goal for the third post-A year is to do my part to get our physical intimacy back on track. H has said that he fears that he would lose his autonomy if we resumed things on that front and that, while he knows we can function well like this, he doesn't trust that we can if we're also intimate. We haven't been physically intimate since Summer 2004, which was during his A.

My goal is for him to associate me more and more with good things until he actually wants a sexual relationship with me again. I'm still learning about his love languages after 16 years. I didn't make a big fuss about his birthday this year because we had a lot going on (consultant arriving for S7 from the States for a 5 day visit) and it's at a terrible time of year (Jan 2) to really get into a birthday. I thought he'd be fine about it. As it turned out he was very upset that I and the children hadn't done very much. I was able to get something together by the following morning (cake and singing and cards) and I think he felt much better. I was amazed that that was one of his LL. I never would have guessed. I do know, however, that OW used to write him 'meaningful' cards saying things like, "'The thousand mile journey begins with one step'":-(

H would like us to plan a holiday together. We haven't done that since pre-A. We've been away the last few years but always in connection with S7's autism.

(For those of you who still remember my story, we lost our tribunal last year against our educational authority. It was devastating but we were very united both in the fight and the loss. Things have moved on. S7 is not at the school we wanted for him but we are trying to teach him as much as possible ourselves when he is home.)

S11 and D9 still seems unaware of all that went on. Occasionally, one of them will mention something about someone having an A--in connection with a TV programme or a teacher--and sound very critical. I always feel a bit tense when the topic comes up around H.

H has said that he no longer thinks about OW and that he thinks she was very calculating. She had tried to convince him that we would all be better off if he left me. He said that he never really could get his head around the idea that the children would be better off with divorced parents.

My zoologist friend from graduate school days has been here on a six month sabbatical. He's just gone back to S.A. but made it clear how attracted he was to me just after he left (by email). I feel very flattered and I also feel some compassion for H. I think it would be very easy to fall into an A. I'm lucky in that I've seen how burned everyone was by H's A. I don't trust the happy ending fantasies. I know that, despite the excitement, I'd feel dreadful if I had an A. The zoologist knows that I'm committed to my M, which is why he says he's not overstepped the line (though one could say that telling me that he's had to hold back because of the fact that I"m married is overstepping the line!).

I'm sorry this is such a rambling update.

Positives: H says that he loves me and that my physical attractiveness is not in question and never has been. H wants to go on holiday together. H phones me and talks to me more and more about what's going on in his life--his work and his ideas. H often suggests we have lunch together or go for walks. We laugh more together. In fact, we get on better than we have for years and years.

I just need to keep on track. I do believe that we will resume our physical relationship one day. I want him to know that he has wanted it, so I don't want to initiate overtly. I think it will be more solid if it's in his time.

As an experiment, I"ve grazed his hand 'accidentally' a couple of times in the last fortnight. He hasn't flinched or anything. The children were away on New Year's Eve weekend and we had moments that felt intimate and pre-romantic. We were just talking in bed. I thought there was 'something in the air' but I may have been deluding myself. I felt that there was a certain tension that reminded me of the time before our first kiss in 1990 when we seemed to be talking but other things were going on. I remember he was advising me on colours for the walls of my new flat at the time--something that I now know he has absolutely no interest in. I can't remember what we were talking about New Year Eve weekend but it had that same surreal quality of it not really being about what we were talking about. I'm not sure I'm making any sense!

Any feedback much appreciated.

I send those of you who are 'behind' me much encouragement. I know that I wouldn't be where I am now in my marriage without DB. I encourage those of you wanting to work on your M to follow the principles--even if you do so imperfectly as I certainly did. I also know that many M get back on track much faster. I think "Patience and persistance" is the name of the game for me.

Wendylon

Me: 45
H: 47
Together since 1990
3 kids: S11, D9, S7
PA: Sept 2003-Dec 2004
Bomb: May 2004
Repairing 2 years +