Unilateral Disarmement - 3

[Wendylon]

Thank you so much for stopping by, Gabriel. I've just caught up on your sitch and admire your DBing talents--especially when you XW is off base. I think S6 is very lucky to have you as a father.

Thanks for reminding me about lightening up. We have had a few social inclusive things since December. They do work well. My grandmother has invited us to Montreal in June. When I told H, he assumed that meant we were going. I hadn't assumed that. H and I used to travel quite a lot together before kids. He misses it and I don't. I'm sure travelling more would be good for us. But, how do we lighten up without spending lots of money?

To anwer my own question, I wonder whether we could do more fun stuff within our everyday life. For example, I've initiated us watching '24' as a family. H is really enjoying it which is nice. Often I have programmes that I'm into with S10 and D8 and he stays on the periphery.

How else to lighten up? H is very sensitive and hates feeling that he's being teased or laughed at. I sometimes think that we're in a funny situation. I may laugh--in what I feel is a friendly way--only to find that H is hurt. As I see it, H takes himself very seriously and if he can turn a situation into one where is the butt of the laughter then he does that. We used to have lots of fights about his paranoia but, not surprisingly, they got us nowhere good.

I need to help us lighten up but I have to be careful how I do it: without spending and without H feeling that he is not being taken seriously.

As for checking each other's phone and computer, I have to admit that I really don't feel like doing it. I can't be bothered and I wouldn't like the image of myself checking. I figure that if he's up to any funny business I'll know it sooner or later. Maybe I'm just being naive, I don't know. Thank you though, Gabriel, for bringing up the topic. It's helpful for me to be aware that I'd rather not have to look for information. I hadn't realized to what extent I was making a choice in that direction.

We have our C session tomorrow. I don't have any ideas of what to talk about. I do have moments of feeling warmth and affection towards H, but not many at the moment. More than anything, I feel critical and angry. I'm surprised that I'm able to DB at all. Maybe he's right, that if he really recommitted, I would stop making such an effort and would give him a really hard time.

H gave a talk at S10's school assembly this a.m. about autism that went very well so he's been in a good mood. Despite his good mood, though, he's still always talking about how tired he is. I've been very good with the duct tape as, from my point of view, he mismanages his sleep to an amazing degree. Basically, he stays up very late. I'm dying to point it out to him. He talks about being tired as if he has ME--something totally mysterious and beyond his control. How can he not make a link between his sleep decisions and his tiredness?

Now that is the sort of thing that I really have trouble understanding and it's that sort of interjection on my part that would make H feel not respected by me. In a way, he's right because I do consider it to be basic stuff--the theory that is (little sleep=tired) not the practice (getting to bed earlier). I have lots of sympathy for him not managing his time but very little for him not even seeing the problem as one of time-management.

How can I get off my high horse? I keep ending up in a self-righteous and unattractive place. Maybe I'm just wound up too tight and take logic too seriously. More work needed.

Wendy