Unilateral Disarmement - 3

[Wendylon]

Thanks for posting, Dauphine. I've been following your thread and I think you're doing really well. Just keep going!

As far as my sitch goes, I hadn't mentioned OW in months and then had a blip recently because I got a pang of feeling suspicious. H had just gone out to get his high-street coffee. He came back and announced that he was going out again to talk to his MF from his mobile so he could walk around at the same time.

My response was that his plan sounded weird. He said that he was trying to reassure me and this was exactly why he wouldn't bother in the future. (I was crying and upset.) The convo moved onto to me saying that if his R with OW was still 'alive', that I couldn't do it it any more. H never said that it was dead, but he said that he felt he was doing really well,that he had recommitted to the family, and that he didn't know anyone who had managed to do what he was doing. He said that he wasn't having an A and had no intention of having one, but that of course he still has feelings about OW and that he might talk about her with his friend. (I had asked whether he wanted to go out so he could talk about OW or run into OW, or what.)

I hate the way he goes on about 'recommitting to the family'. What am I--an unavoidable appendage? I also felt a bit hurt that he sees his recommitting as being so worthy of self-congratulation. Is it such an effort?

Luckily, I didn't say any of the latter bit to him, but I do feel peeved. I also started feeling sorry for myself that we still have no physical or verbal intimacy. If I hear him saying, "Darling,....", I know he's addressing one of the children and not me.

I've been DBing for ages (18 months) and I'm feeling a bit discouraged that the progress is so slow. Sure he's home, but he's recommitted to the FAMILY, not me. Although, he has in the past added on "...and I know recommitting to the family involves recommitting to you...".

H has finally found tenants for his mother's flat! The flat has been empty for about 2 years. If his pace with me is anything like his pace with his mother's flat then it will be years before we're what I would consider a real couple again.

Even though I brought up the topic of OW, I actually don't think of her much. I can walk around without even wondering if I'll run into her. Funnily enough, I haven't seen her in a while. When I drive by where she lives, I forget to check whether her car is there. I used to drive down her road on purpose and now I drive down it without even thinking of her. That has to be progress. I also don't think that H is in touch with her.

The hearing for S6 (son with special needs) is coming around--4 weeks from yesterday. The outcome will have such a huge impact on our family that it's sort of hard to see too far beyond that. We will know whether we've won or lost 2 weeks after the hearing. I think H will do most of the talking.

Next week, we all go skiing. I haven't been in 12 years. H went with S10 and D8 last year and this year we're all going back to the same place--with one of S6's therapists. A year ago, I remember that H was still really depressed. The week before he went skiing he could hardly get out of bed. At the time, he'd said that he'd maybe move out on his return from the ski-trip. Things were still very unstable a year ago. They are much more stable now but not much warmth.

To those of you that have been following this thread, is there a discernible trend? Are we stagnating? What can I do?

One thing I could do is validate H when he talks about doing really well with his recommitment to the family but it sticks in my throat. I don't like that he sees it as such a laudable act on his part.

Any input appreciated!
Wendy