Unilateral Disarmement - 3

[Wendylon]

Thank you, SD, for the encouragement. I did appreciate H for dressing up. He grunted. I hope he took it in.

I think today is the anniversary of OW's birthday. H seems downcast and quiet. I think he's expecting me to say something as he hangs around me looking pensive and depressed. I haven't taken the bait. I just don't want to hear him say that he still misses her or that he's unhappy or whatever. I just don't think that what he'd have to say would be easy to hear or even constructive for our R.

H broke up with OW on her birthday a year ago for the last time as far as I know. She'd said it was curtains if he didn't go to her residential birthday party and he chose not to go. I'd also said that I didn't want him to come home if he went. The A had by that time already lasted over a year (on and off).

This is also the anniversary of H telling me that he didn't find me attractive. I can't believe that I've been celibate for over a year now. I guess there are worse fates. I sometimes imagine hugging him but since he made it clear in C that it suits him that I don't initiate any physical contact, I don't!

I'm feeling on a pretty even keel. I'm so much more detached than I was a year ago. I wish H would enjoy me and our family but I figure that it is his business if he doesn't and there isn't much more I can do. I've been DBing for a year and a half now. Overall, H has been thawing but today is definitely not a good day. At times, I feel angry and pissed off with him but I'm glad that we've managed to stay together.

By the way, do you guys think I belong in Piecing? We've yet to have a second honeymoon and no intimacy on the horizon. I'm still DBing and H has chosen his family over OW. Does that count as Piecing?

H bought a snake for D8 for Christmas. I'm DBing like mad in that I'm not very keen on the whole thing but H is so into it that I'm taking an interest. I figure better for me to have to live with a snake than OW.

H's birthday is on Monday. Last year I gave him a card that he appreciated but we then had a strained lunch out. He barked at me about how OW had brought lots of amazing things into his life and that he wasn't going to rubbish 2004. This was in the context of me saying that I hoped that 2005 would be better than 2004. I won't make that mistake again. I remember asking for reassurance at our lunch out and not getting any. This year, I'll have no trouble staying away from R talk. A year ago, I was still faltering a lot on that one.

To sum up, I've now GAL in which H's feelings don't figure nearly as prominently as they used to. I am affected by his lack of enthusiasm about us but I basically have very low expectations of what he can offer me at the moment in terms of intimacy. I'm not sure if that is a good thing. It was odd seeing him hugging D8 this morning. She had come into our bed and the way he hugged her reminded me of what he was like with me before the A--hugging while half asleep with his face in the pillow. S6 is very affectionate with me and me with him. I wonder whether that is odd for H. He probably doesn't even notice it.

Yesterday, an old friend of H's whom I hadn't seen since before the A came by. H was so animated in his presence. It made me realize that his light is dimmed around me. H's friend had sent me a nice letter at Christmas saying that he was very impressed with how H and I were finding a way through a difficult situation. I thought that was encouraging as he gets all our news through H. In other words, H must think we're finding a way through!

As always, I look forward to some feedback. Thank you in advance.

Wendy