Unilateral Disarmement - 3

[Wendylon]

Our R is still chugging along in the right direction--I think!

S6's tribunal has been deferred until March so we can now relax and prepare for Christmas.

I can pretty much count on H being chatty and communicative in the mornings when we wake up. This morning, for example, H got up and went downstairs while I snoozed. He then came back up with his cup of tea. He was about to turn and leave the room as I was still snoozing, but when he saw that I opened my eyes, he got back into bed and we chatted. That's the pattern.

Now that I've noticed the morning 'intimacy' pattern, I've stopped being upset that we have no contact in the evenings. The only way I see him after supper is if we're both saying good-night to the kids at the same time. Otherwise, he is firmly ensconced in his study and doesn't come to bed until after I'm asleep.

Still no physical intimacy or affection of any sort. We had a good discussion about it at our C session this week. H values our current stability and is worried that any move towards intimacy might upset our precarious working balance. He also thinks that if he reengages fully (I think he means sex etc..), that I may turn around and say that I can't stay with him because of his betrayal and the hurt he's caused me. H doesn't think I can really know if I can overcome his A until he is reengaged.

I can sort of see his point. The C's response was that there was always a risk in being intimate in any relationship. I said that I could imagine having strong negative feelings at times but that, like him, I valued an intact family and that I thought that was such a strong value that I would work through my resentment. H says that he hasn't seen my hurt and anger, or at least, not very much and that it makes him nervous. He can't believe that he can get away with it (hurting me to such an extent) or that I can keep this up (not making him pay for it).

I'm still working on keeping the duct tape in place when I feel annoyed or critical. H was moaning about his mother's flat today and how he feels depressed at the thought of getting it ready to let. I felt so critical and wanted to lecture him on how his passivity has led to us missing out on nearly 2 years of potential rental income. I also thought he sounded spoiled and ungrateful. Most people would be thrilled to inherit a flat in Central London. I'm getting much better at keeping the big picture in mind--our relationship. I knew that I couldn't say any of that without H feeling criticized. H HATES criticism more than anything and more so coming from me than from anyone else. Now that I really get that, I'm much more cautious with what I say.

Last night, H asked me to join him and an American couple that he'd met for supper. He hasn't asked me to join him for social things for ages. We had a nice evening and I really enjoyed meeting the couple.

My grandmother visited the day before yesterday. H hadn't seen her since before the A. I asked him if he could shave. I've been very good at not asking him to do so as I know he hates it. Not only did he shave but he dressed up a bit as well so he didn't look so grungey. I appreciated him making the effort. I didn't say anything, though. Maybe I should.

While I don't post much, I still lurk and learn a lot on htis BB. I know that I wouldn't be where I am now without it. A year ago, OW was still in the picture. I don't obsess about her nearly as much these days.

I'm looking forward to being past the anniversary of their split-up. I think it was after Christmas and before New Year.

I never knew that the recovery would be so slow but I'm also amazed that it is possible. I know we have a long way to go but I feel confident that we can keep moving in the right direction.