Hi Wendy,
Thanks for your visit to my thread over to the land of Hopefulness. I promise to update soon - particularly bec. I've got Betsey & others giving me the nudge! No news yet on Jennifer - but I didn't hear from her yesterday so who knows . . .

Quote:

The fear of rejection will create rejection and if he runs out of the house screaming because his wife has kissed him goodnight that's his problem but he's probably more likely to feel loved.


Thanks Midip for saying it so succinctly. It bears repeating in our heads over & over: The Fear of Rejection will create Rejection. I think it's corollary is: What you focus on, expands. . . So focusing on rejection - anticipating it - is likely to net you more of the same.
Quote:

H sort of gave me some ideas on a platter yesterday when he said that he was working really hard. I think that's the kind of thing he'd like to hear at the moment.


Absolutely! That is a perfect time to say something like, "yes, I see that you are and I appreciate that H."

I think, and you let me know if I'm off base, that it isn't so much the 'contrived' feeling of giving him WOA, but more that you feel he's not meeting your expectations. So while you may see that he IS working hard, it isn't in the way you would do it, or it isn't enough for you. I get the feeling you'd like to say "yes, BUT...." And that's where the gift of editing, or duct tape if you like, comes in handy.

Wendy, how do you encourage your kids? If one of them attempts a new skill, and does an okay but not perfect attempt - do you say nothing until they get it 'right'? do you say, "that was a really good attempt, I'm proud of you"? Or do you say "I see you're trying BUT that's not quite right"? Which response do you think would be most nourishing?

I think your H. needs your encouragement - he needs to know that you're there for him, even when he's not doing things perfectly to your liking. He needs to know that you recognize & value his efforts. And He needs to feel 'safe', particularly if any sort of intimacy is to be had.

In my own situation, it took me a LONG time to really see this dynamic work. I did not understand how much SO needed WOA - and just how easy it really is to give them. And there is an incredible gift you get when you start focusing on giving WOA - and that is, that you really begin to appreciate all the little things that went unnoticed before; you get to really live in the moment & SEE what you are experiencing in the RIGHT NOW; and you get a heaping dose of gratitude in your own life which feels wonderful.

To do this, I had to let go of my bigger EXPECTATIONS. And by that I mean, instead of looking at him and wishing he would just come home, or hold me, or whatever I wanted from him, I would let go of that and just enjoy the interaction we were having. I would listen to what he was saying without running another dialogue in my head trying to "win" my desired outcome. And as I became more present, and more appreciative of the things he was doing, I got 'more' - more time together, more interesting discussions, more trust and more feelings from him. I promise you it does work. Making a 'safe' environment will help H. step forward and meet you in the middle.
Quote:

I cringe at the thought of being so deliberate and unspontaneous about it. I guess that is a small price to pay in the overall context.


This issue of "spontaneity" has come up a lot your thread. Let me ask you this - when you plan a party for one of your kids, or your friends, does it diminish the value of your love that you are expressing? Does your careful thought to the details of the menu, the invites, the date/time/location make the party less "real" because you didn't just round up a couple of folks on the spur of the moment? In my mind, the 'planning' to be more forthcoming with appreciation, and with small gestures of affection like saying 'good night' or 'nice shirt', is akin to planning a party for a loved one. And it may feel contrived to you right now but with practice it does become natural & spontaneous.

It seems to me that you equate spontaneity with genuineness. And while I think there are many wonderful things about spontaneity, I don't think the careful thought on providing a safe & warm environment for love to flourish is not "real," nor of less value. It is REAL, as real as any spontaneous gesture. And I'm willing to bet that after a brief period awkward 'planned' gestures toward H., that you'll start seeing more & more 'spontaneous' gestures too.

Well, time for me to get to ready for work!
Hugs,
-H2H