Hi Wendy, Well, I found you over here so I'm sure the gang will come along soon! Nice new home here in Piecing!
Quote: Last night I felt sad as I went up to bed and didn't say anything to H as I passed his study (and he didn't either). I'd been puttering in the kitchen and we both knew that I was going to bed. I think I don't inititate any of those rituals out of pride and self-protection. I'd hate him to answer in a lukewarm and rejecting way. I don't want to give him the opportunity to be hurtful. Meanwhile, it suits H to be in a sitch where he hasn't nailed the last nail in the coffin (to use his expression).
Well, I certainly can understand how you feel - the desire to self-protect . . . but I'm going to ask you a question?
What's 'better' for you? Going to bed without either saying a word or being the loving person you are and saying good night, with or without any response from H.? What if you reframed your intention of your daily interactions and looked only at YOUR part?
The way you set it up - by not saying a word - you got the result that you expected, which is nothing. And clearly, that doesn't seem to make you very happy. What if you lived your part by your rules? Saying goodnight is important to you (me too by the way), so you keep your intention to be the person you are and say goodnight. AND let go of any expectations.
They say we teach our partners how to treat us. You might not get a response the first couple of times, but you could still 'enjoy' the fact that YOU lived up to your own expectations about yourself. My bet is that your H. will eventually respond to you.
Saying goodnight is a far cry from affection, which I also see you're upset about. I think intimacy is often the last part that gets 'fixed' . . . it is a slow process, but at least you are talking with H., though I agree that wasn't a great 'reason' he gave you. Patience, Wendy . . . Start with smaller bits, just like saying good night to build on more intimate gestures and habits.
Maybe it's time to go back to setting small goals? Apart from saying good night, what other small gestures/words/actions can you try to see if H. slowly responds?
I'm glad to see you over here in Piecing! Slow and steady, girl!
