I'll chime in. I don't agree with actually saying I agree to the divorce. Not in those words anyway. I do agree with making it as amicable as possible, trying to get the kids as much as possible, and involving lawyers as little as possible. But if she says.."I want a divorce", I wouldn't say "me too" just to avoid an argument. But that's probably not what you are saying. The words I used in that situation were..."I'm only interested in your happiness. If this is what you feel will make you happy then I'm willing to work as amicable as possible on this." But don't bring up anything about it when she doesn't and don't make any effort to move it along yourself.
As far as your goals: I just sat down with my XW when she mentioned divorce and basically said...okay let's go through the stuff we do have and get an idea how we should split stuff up. What other details do you have in mind. Be very calm and rational. No fighting.
2. If divorce does start being mentioned by her and you've had the above discussion or she indicates she's seen her lawyer, just tell her that you would really appreciate it if the papers don't come as a surprise. That she give you notice. My XW actually handed them to me. No officer serving me. It helped.
If she is already at the lawyer stage and just won't say anything, but instead is just going to serve you suddenly perhaps you should tell her you would prefer knowing in advance.
Countryboy, you have one chance to get your visitation right. I would recommend that you get as much time as possible now. You don't want to go back. Remember summer vacations and holidays. Make sure it's exactly what you want. Be as close as possible to where your kids are so you can have frequent visitation...overnights if possible.
Just my opinion, for what it's worth.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Try to stay away from lawyers as much as possible.
My wife was outspoken to me the day she left. We would always let each other know when we were upset. My sitch is complicated and my wife's family played a major part. My wife has never spoken to me in 4 months. I have never seen her. After two weeks of leaving me after a silly argument that is all, i received a separation agreement in the mail. What a shock I can tell you. Well I had to get a lawyer at that point.
I have tried to be as fare as I can. I have even gone as far as agreeing to pay her what she is asking. But the more I try to give her the more she wants. It appears her lawyer loves taking all of his clients cases to court, no matter what. She is now asking me to pay her lawyers costs, she wants me to sell the house, even though I have payed her her share of the equity. She just doesn't want me to live there. so she is trying everything.
Look after yourself, keep emotions out of it. When the dust is settled yuo will regret selling the farm because it isn't what you think it will do. giving your wife what she is asking will not make her come back to you.
JoeBlow, thanks for the advice. You make a valid point - there's a constant balance between DB and CYA. It's hard to maintain. Fortunately, we don't have much to divide (except fight over the boys) and very little debt that isn't directly attributable to one and only one person.
Well . . . we're still in a holding pattern. Blackout on non-necessary communications and no OR talks. She seems to have made an excuse to be where I was in the house last night, good sign, amicable conversation about neutral subject (kids), but short. I'll take what I can get. She was mildly playful with me at work today; threw my paycheck at me when I wasn't looking. Yes, that's playful for her.
And yet, there's a faint smudge of hope . . . take a look-see and tell me what you think. I think my best route is to make this as amicable as possible because there is some chance yet . . . though it might be years down the road.
So, I'm wondering how to make the most and DB in the situation above. W decided she wants a D, talked about it, lot of legal issues out of the way. D appears to be *very* amicable and W talks about being good friends but not the best of friends, talks about hanging out from time to time, went from ice queen to as good of friends as we were when we first started dating! W all gung ho about getting it done right and done as soon as possible, even wants to minimize my CS while maximizing parenting time.
