thanks whatisis, and nys, thanks alot for your input. funny, but i didnt even bother to read my thread, and was surprised to see that someone wrote something, that is why i took time to respond. ill vent now. now i finally understand why i have a tough time moving on. well, the way i am, maybe the way i was brought up, culture, environment, etc. is that when i committed to getting married, i really committed. meaning that i believe through ups and downs, boredom, or sickness, or whatever i decided to get married and start a family. that is why i decided to get my W pregnant, to start a family. for me that means, that you make a decision , a daily decision to make it work. we all know life isnt perfect, but we fight. so, here comes the part that we dont match, she studied psychotherapy, for her, life is supposed to be natural, happy, so if you dont like something, you change it, you follow your inside. the risk of this is that you will not find happiness doing different or trying different relationships, or people. how do i know this? well im 40 now, and throughout my life i had experiences that showed me this, for example living in different cities, or trying different jobs, the point is that you take yourself to all these different places or jobs or relationships, so if you dont have it, by it i mean happiness, spontaneity, or attitude, well that is the problem, it is you, the challenge is to find that inner special you and flourish it. how? that brings me to my next topic, which is if i start from the theory that happiness is within you, then all you should do is just follow your inner voice. problem, we have been raised to not follow your inner voice, we have been raised to seek approval, conformity, this is why i really have trouble with just being open. for example, i would really like to move to the city where my W and Ds live, participate in my Ds life, and maybe even be friends with W and OM. however, my ego tells me, how the hell are your gonna earn as much money if you move, then it tells me that i will beat the crap out of OM, and it tells me to consider how people will perceive that i am such a whuzz that i give in to any of Ws wishes (i know people dont give a damn, but unconsciously, and consciously i found out i care what parents, family, and friends will say or think or whatever i make up in my mind what they will say) so now i am trying to do what my inner voice wants, but i cant seem to follow through, my ego is too damn strong, it is too powerful. i , however, am planning, drawing up a plan to follow through not being radical, but compromising, being patient. for example, i believe i should be a writer, so with all this D bull****, i was thinking of quitting my job, and just become a writer. with planning, i have decided to write in my spare time and write a novel. so maybe now, i plan to negotiate for a transfer to move to the city and earn the same or more. the difference now, is that i learned to have patience. patience, patience. on friday i received an e mail, she tells me that she wants papers to start the D process, this after me telling her that we should start legally so that she can have a life with OM, so that Ds have no problem sharing life with their new father. in 2 months or so i will probably move to the survivng D forum. keep love alive, and take care everybody. p.s. ny i am flattered you answered, you being a sort of celebrity around here.
